Old and New Jokes

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt? Certainly not, said the Priest. As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it. I tried, Brian sobbed, but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do? If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family. Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the Presidents cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch.

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves and are really impressed. After the game they ask her How is it that you know so much about baseball?

She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

Was it when they cut off your testicles?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

What was the most painful part?

The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

Whats the position to make ugly babies?

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home.

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him,

Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!

Its not just one car, said Herman, Its hundreds of them!

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and Americanize their names.

So…

Bu, called himself Buck,

Chu called himself Chuck,

but Fu decided to return to China…

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie – talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you? his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, youd never believe it!

Clinton floated a strike on baseballs opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.