Old and New Jokes

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

Bholaji ( to doctor ) : Doctor, I have a problem.

Doctor : Whats your problem?

Bholaji : I keep forgetting things.

Doctor : Since when do you have this problem?

Bholaji : What problem?

What did the lima bean say before it went into the pot?Sufferin succotash!

(From hpwrc!hplabs!sun!plato!janos)

According to several press reports, the new drug of choice is
licking toads.

What a great lead!!

Yes, Bufo Alvirus (Sonoran desert toad to you simple folk) secretes
(a sweating toad?) bufotinine which doesnt do damn for the toad, but
makes humans feel very high indeed.

Says the Examiner story: If you tried to lick this toad, it would
be a felonious act.

No report to date mentions what the toad turns into when you lick it.

Why not milk the toads and mix the stuff with something nice?

The head of DEAs western regional laboratory is not concerned:
Its too nasty to screw around with, he said. And youre going
to have to come up with a lot of toads to compete with cocaine and
marijuana.

The Berkeley police chief was suspicious because he knew of no
occurance of bufotinine use in Berkeley: If it happened anywhere, itd
be here, he said.

Now you know.

Every womans a 10. It just depends upon which base youre counting in.

So they can see who theyre retreating from.

Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way…now hes succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.

Q: How many cryonicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four – One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid nitrogen temperature, and one to wait two hundred years for technology to advance sufficiently to revive it.

Estaban dos gallinas en el granero discutiendo sobre cuál de las dos ponía el huevo mayor.

La primera dijo:

Co, co, co, co. A que yo te gano.

Sí, pues a ver.

Entonces la primera, azuzada, puja y puja y, ¡plug!, pone un huevo de 10 cm de diámetro.

Ja, pues ahorita verás, dice la otra gallina.

Y puja, puja, y puja, y pone un huevo de 20 cm de diámetro.

Je, je, je, ¿cómo te quedó el ojo?

Y a ti, ¿cómo te quedó el culo?

Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.

Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.

Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!

HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.

Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.