Did you hear about
the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight?
He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and
none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small
ad which read: Lose weight £1.00 a pound. And it simply listed a
telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the man responded,
Ten pounds.. The voice replied, Very well, put you check in the mail
and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here
stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign
around her neck stating, If you catch me you can screw me. Well the
overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through
the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did catch her and when he
was through enjoying himself she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and
weigh yourself!. He did just that and was amazed to find that he had
lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
How much weight do you want to lose?, to which the somewhat less overweight
man replied, Twenty pounds.. Very well, the voice on the phone told
him, Put your check in the mail and well have a representative over
to your house in the morning.
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track
shoes and a sign around her neck stating If you catch me you can screw
me. The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch
her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and
weigh yourself! He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another
20 pounds!
This is fantastic!, he thought to himself. Later that evening he called
the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight
do you want to lose?. Fifty pounds!, the man exclaimed. Fifty pounds?,
the voice asked. Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.
The overweight man replied, My checks already in the mail. You just
have your representative over here in the morning, and he hung up the
phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied
up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock
on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a
sign around his neck stating, If I catch you Im going to screw you.
A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
10 second fuses only last 7 seconds. Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing. Claymores are labeled This side toward enemy for a reason. Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.
Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever, ever volunteer to do anything.
Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire. If its stupid but works, it really isnt stupid. If the enemy is in range, so are you. If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend. If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed at you. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. Incoming fire has the right of way.
It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out. Mines are equal opportunity weapons. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. The easy way is always mined.
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: a. When youre not ready for them. b. When youre ready for them. Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. When in doubt empty the magazine.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming Andre, Andre, Ive got the secret documents!!
A blonde wanted to win the lotto so she prayed to god, and she lost. Next week she prayed to god again, and she lost. The week after she prayed to god, and she lost. She said to god, why wont you let me win? God replied, How about buying a ticket first?
The following is a description of a New Zealand wine taken straight from the bottle word for word. (Anyone who has tried it will know that it is a mild description).
PURPLE DEATH (that is really the name)
An unusual Rough-as-Guts aperitif that has the distinctive bouquet of horse-shit and old tram tickets. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to prevent ingestion of any foreign bodies. Connoisseurs will savour the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt cat fur. Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of animal manure and perished jock straps strained through an old miners sock. The maturing in small pigs bladders gives it a very definite nose.
Marketed under the Saviour Brand (9 out of 10 people who drink it for the first time exclaim Je-e-esus Chri-ist).
Caution: Keep away from naked flames (both old and new).
BOTTLED BY THE MAD SCIENTIST – JUST FOR FUN FOR SAPICH BROTHERS Forest Hill Road, Henderson, New Zealand
Another 12-step program
and I still cant dance.
Yo mama so poor that when I rang her doorbell, she yelled, Ding Dong!
In The News – Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor
WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.
Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but … Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from I Love You California to Paul Simons Slip Slidin Away.
President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)
American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.
Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewenskys resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. Thats not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldnt YOU want her to train the new intern? (Leno)
In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at the White House gift shop.
President Clinton recently attended four fund raisers in New York. Let me see if I understand… the president attended four fund raisers to raise funds to defend himself for his fund raising scandals …
Lent began Wednesday. This is the 40 day period that honor Jesus suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor. (Maher)
The US mens hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. Its the most embarrassing incident about an American sports figure not inviolving biting, choking a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant. (Leno)
At the Grammy Awards, David Letterman was overheard saying, Marilyn Manson, this is Hanson, Hanson, this is Manson, Manson, Hanson, Hanson, Manson …
Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended another suicide last week. Hes not the only way to go you know… for $10 million, Democrats will poison your White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at Arlington.
A train in Japan broke the world speed record of 280 mph. This breaks the previous unofficial record of 275 mph set by an Amtrak train. Of course, the Amtrak train was clocked while plummeting off a cliff, so it doesnt really count.
New research says that when it comes to low cholesterol diets, extremes are not good. This comes from the American Pork Rinds Council.
The manager of a Los Angeles waste treatment plant wants to open a sewage museum. Hopefully it isnt interactive. (Cutler Daily Scoop)
Rap star Q-Tips house in New Jersey caught fire. Fortunately, he was able to escape safely with the rest of his family, A through P Tip.
A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passengers life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Staurday stay over.
Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week. If you missed out on this deal, another collection of distress calls is available for only $16.99. Its Michael Boltons new CD of opera arias.
Saxophonist Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more than 45 minutes. Now he too is cashing in – he sold the recording to a car alarm company.
I actually waited and watched all the credits of Titanic. Included at the end was this, No iceburgs were harmed in the making of this film.
Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top, and call it the Don King.
In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS. Unfortunately, the woman wasnt home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor. (OBrien)
Investors plan to convert Andy Warhols old studio into a theme restaurant. It will only be open for 15 minutes.
Supermodel Elle Macpherson gave birth to a boy last weekend. Seven Pounds, 8 ounces. No work yet on how much the baby weighs.
And finally, the American Association for Nude Recreation says the number one favorite activity among nudists is swimming. The least favorite is raising honeybees. (Leno)
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, why is your stomach so big?
She replied, Im having a baby.
With big eyes,he asked, Is the baby in your stomach?
She said, He sure is.
Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, Is it a good baby?
She said, oh yes, its a real good baby.
With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, Then why in the world did you eat him?
One day, an old Italian couple arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native town, and it wasnt long before the wife got lost. The Italian husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.
When he got there, a police officer asked for his wifes description.
Whats that? asked the Italian.
Well, you see, a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 511, weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?
Forget her! exclaimed the Italian. Lets go look for yours!