Old and New Jokes

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, Where is God ?

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, Where is God ?

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billys
face and screamed, WHERE IS GOD ?

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
What happened to you ?

Billy yelled, Were in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it.

Sale la pareja de recién casados del salón de celebraciones y al ir a montar al coche todos empiezan a gritar:

¡Arriba la novia! ¡Arriba el novio!

Un invitado que no entendía que se trataba de gritos de júbilo, replicó:

¡Dejad a ellos que lo hagan como mejor les plazca!

La rastra es un tipo de cinturón que usan los argentinos y está de una piel tan suave como culo de princesa; está adornada con todo lo que sea valioso: medallas, monedas antiguas y de oro, y así por el estilo. Por lo que las rastras son muy caras; entre más vieja sea la rastra más valiosa y entre más adornos tenga más cara.

Pues había un tipo que tenía una rastra muy fregona y ahí iba montado en su caballo:

Tucutu tucutu tucutu…

Iba por las Pampas y como ya estaba cayendo el sol se dijo:

Aquí voy a hacer un alto.

Y entonces hizo un alto, paró a su caballo, se acostó y se durmió. Al día siguiente, cuando despertó, la rastra ya no estaba… Se levantó rápido, cogió su caballo y se fue veloz al próximo pueblo y llegó directo a la cantina; afuera dejó su caballo, se metió y ¡zaz!, vio a un gaucho hijo de su Pink Floyd con la rastra de él puesta.

Furioso se acercó al ladrón; se paró junto a él y le dijo:

Linda rastra.

Oh sí, linda, ¿eh? Linda de verdad.

Oiga ¿y debe de ser cara?

Carísima, mi linda rastra.

Oiga ¿y las monedas son auténticas?

Y bueno, claro que son auténticas.

Como la puta que lo parió, que rastra, linda… Oiga ¿y usted la compró?

Oh, y bueno, yo no tengo dinero para comprar una cosa de éstas.

Pues ¿y entonces?

Pues se la robé a un pendejo que estaba dormido en el camino… ¡y todavía me lo cogí al puto!

Y dice el otro:

Linda rastra… Linda…

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, What are you charged with?



Doing my Christmas shopping early sir, replied the defendant.



Well thats not an crime, said the judge! How early were you doing this shopping?



Before the store opened, answered the prisoner.

A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him:
God, how long is a million years to you?

God answered: A million years is like a minute.

Then the man asked: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
And God replied: A million dollars is like a penny.

Finally the man asked: God, could you give me a penny?
And God says: In a minute.

How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

Beauty is only skin deep but ugliness goes to the bone.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, Ill make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and well talk about it.

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the fathers study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youve studied your bible diligently, but you didnt get your hair cut!

The young man waited a moment and replied, You know Dad, Ive been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair …

To which his father replied … Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!

This two ladies,one with red hair and the other one blond, went to a nice restaurant to have lunch.

The waiter asks the blonde if she would like something to drink and she ordered a pepsi. And the lady with the red hair, oredered a double bols and coke.

After the waiter have left, the blond says that she wasnt aware that she could have order anything like that.

When the waiter returned with the orders, she asked him to cancel the pepsi, and bring something else instead. Sure the waiter replied, what will it be then ?

Two dicks and a pepsi please!

The last words of a chemist:

1. And now the tasting test.

2. May that become hot?

3. And now a little bit from this…