Old and New Jokes

IBM: I Bought a Mac

Q: How many futurologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. He just takes the old functioning one out when nobodys looking, just to be certain.

Did you hear about the blonde who thought he discovered that

he had a twin brother?

He didnt realize he was looking in a mirror.

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.

2. How many seconds are in a year?

3. What is Gods first name?



Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered, 1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow 2. There are 12 seconds in a year. 3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard.



Saint Peter said, OK Ill buy Today and Tomorrow, even though its not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that Gods first name was either Andy or Howard?



Forrest responded, Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,…OK, I give in said Saint Peter, but what about the Gods first name stuff?



Forrest said, Well, from the song… Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own… and the prayer… Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name….



Saint Peter let him in without further ado!

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Ask your mom.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?

Never mind its pointless.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old mans cane slips onto the floor and he falls.

As he gets up, Little Johnny, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldnt slip.

The old man snaps back, Well, if your dad had done the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today.

Hottest new books:

Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

Lawyers are from Uranus

I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment.

One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.

As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.

So things get larger when they get hot, do they? he asked.

Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind (I know not from where.)

Yes, I said, thats why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter.

There was a long pause, then his face cleared.

You know, I always wondered about that, he said.