Old and New Jokes

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.



Why? asked somebody from the audience.



I watched my wifes routine at dinner for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.



One day I told her, Honey, why dont you try carrying several things at once?



Did it save time? the guy in the audience asked.



Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten…

There once was a queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom!

There was this Father from the towns Catholic Church who would visit the
areas nursing homes.

One day upon entering his last nursing home he was met by the head nurse.
She said Mrs. Smith has been waiting for you all day, and she wanted to
make sure you didnt forget her.

The Father apologized for being so late and went on into Mrs. Smiths
room. He sat next to her and started talking and said a little prayer for
her. Then Mrs. Smith started to talk about her day. While he was
listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her.

The father Interupted, and asked if he could have a few of the
peanuts.

She of course said yes, and continued on and on, talking about
her day.

The Father interrupted her again and said Mrs. Smith Im sorry, Ive
eaten almost all your peanuts.

Mrs. Smith looked at him and said, Dont worry about it at all, I cant
eat peanuts, I just like to eat the chocolate off of them.

What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it?

Never trust anyone who always tells the truth.

Q: Why are gay guys never lonely?

A: They have friends up the ass.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Why did the turtle Cross the road? To get to the Shell station!

I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens.

The following is a list of constant problems:

– A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process

– Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance

– When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)

– Software controlling the computer is defective..wild random responses to input stimuli (i.e. Have you checked the oil..?)

– Motor controls are sluggish (i.e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)

– Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off

– Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised

– Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy

– Model not eligible for trade in or replacement under Lemon Law

I have attempted to contact the manufacturer of this model regarding these issues, but I have received no response. I can only assume that this creator does not stand by the product in question.

Therefore, I am directing my attorney to file a Class Action suit on behalf of myself and my family. The basis for this suit is that the manufacturer did knowingly produce a defective product.

Interested parties make contact my attorney:

U. B. Taken

1-800-Get-Away

or write:

7734 Geton Withit Ave.

Getalife, Hades 12345-678

Listening to commercials on the radio for banks these days, with all the talk about conversion and redemption, Im not really sure if theyre promoting finance or religion.