Old and New Jokes

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

Is this yours? he asked.

She said, Yes, could you bring it up? and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, Im about to have dinner. Theres plenty; would you like to join me?

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, Ive had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?

The man hesitated then said, Do you act like this with every man you meet?

No, she replied, only those who catch my eye.

Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God, "God can you put someone else on this planet with me? Its kind of lonely here?" So God said, "I will put on earth a woman," "What is this ‘woman’?" asked Adam. "A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs," explained God. "Oh holy master, what is the price for this women" asked Adam. "The price for her is your left arm, your right eye, a thumb, a foot and your left testicle," said God. Then Adam replied, "Ehh… what can I get for a rib?"

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olive!
Olive who?
Olive you!

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.

He turned his lights on, then off.

He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over.

He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed.

The cop was dumbfounded.

This equipment must be broken, exclaimed the policeman.

I doubt it, said the man. Tonight Im the designated decoy.

Pregunta energicamente el Juez al ladrón que acababa de hacer de las suyas en una tienda de ropa: ¡Pero dígame!, ¿Qué no penso en su esposa, en sus hijas? Pues la verdad sí pensé su Señoría, pero en la tienda sólo había ropa para hombre.

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Imagine that each leader of the USSR (and now Russia) finds himself on a train in the middle of nowhere, when suddenly the tracks have come to an end. What instructions would he give to his entourage?

Lenin: Go infuse the peasants with revolutionary spirit and organize them to build new rails to carry our train forward!

Stalin: Round up the peasants, lay down their bodies before the train and we shall ride over them.

Khrushchev: Go out, tear up the tracks from behind the train, set them down in front and we shall continue our journey.

Brezhnev: Pull all the curtains in the carriage, rock back and forth and make clicking noises.

Gorbachev: We have glasnost now. Run outside and shout at the top of your lungs: There are no rails!

Yeltsin: Privatise he tracks, the train, and send the passengers back to their original homelands!

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the drivers window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over! at the top of his lungs. No! the blonde yelled back, Scarf!