Old and New Jokes

This in from the journal Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, August
1991 issue.

Under the heading Office Anecdote comes the following:

While trying to track down the cause of a recurrent vaginitis in a
young woman, I asked her whether her partner was circumcised. My
query drew only a blank look. I rephrased the question in what I felt
was a clever and tactful manner : When he doesnt have an erection, can
you see the head of his penis, or is it covered by folds of skin?

Her unabashed and matter-of-fact response : Ive never seen him
without an erection. I felt rather obsolete the rest of the day.

Andrew Johnstone, MD, RPh, Indy South Family Physicians, Indianapolis.

A doctor tells his patient –

Ive got some good news and Ive got some bad news for you.

So, the patient asks, Whats the good news, Doc?

And the doctor says, Theyre going to name a disease after you!

Un pequeño de 4 años tiene una hermana de 18 años. En una ocasión, al cruzar por el dormitorio de su hermana, el niño observa a través de la puerta entreabierta a la chica, totalmente desnuda, frente al espejo acariciándose apasionadamente el cuerpo, al tiempo que murmuraba:

¡Ah, cómo deseo un hombre! ¡Cómo deseo tener un hombre! ¡Lo deseo tanto! ¡Sííí, lo deseooooo!

Y la joven se acariciaba más y más.

Más tarde, el chiquitín va al jardín y encuentra a su hermana con el novio cuando estaban en lo más lindo del amor: besos y caricias y grandes manoseos.

Entonces, el niño sale corriendo a su dormitorio, se desnuda completamente, se para frente al espejo y comienza a acariciarse el cuerpo diciendo:

¡Un ticiclo… quiedo un ticiclo! ¡Aggg, cómo deseo un ticiclo!

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.



She heard the train stop and her son say, All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop. And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on get your asses in the train cause were leaving.



The mother went into the living room and told her son, We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language.



Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, All passengers who are disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.



For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us.



And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay please see the bitch in the kitchen.

On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a
robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his
lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid
choice:

The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gunshop;
The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
handguns in public places;
To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County
Police patrol car parked at the front door;
An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
fired a few wild shots.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the
gene pool.

Several other customers also drew their guns, but didnt fire. No one
else was hurt.

Horton actually heard the Who, but Dr. Suess was afraid that his
sales would slip if parents thought he condoned rock music.

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from her.

The doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesnt want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: She choked.

You are stuck in a foxhole with a cobra, Saddam Hussein, a lawyer, and only two bullets in your gun. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.

Top Ten Signs Youre Becoming a Teenager

10) Like is, like, the most commonly used word in your vocabulary.

9) Metal Mouth and Tinsel Teeth have replaced your real name.

8) You fight with your hair every morning . . . and you lose!

7) Your parents have never heard of your favorite rock group.

6) Even your zits have zits!

5) Its not safe to say the word mall around you.

4) Lets just say . . . sometimes you dont smell too good.

3) Youve gone from A. . . to B . . . to C . . . cup!

2) If you have to speak in front of your class, you care more about what youre wearing than what youre going to say.

1) If someone at your house is PMSing, its not always your mom!