Old and New Jokes

First set from: pszila@u.washington.edu (Peter Szilard) and
kamens@neon.stanford.edu (Samuel N. Kamens)

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, Shit happens.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isnt really shit.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

ISLAM: If shit happens, kill the person(s) responsible.

More-From: sunne!East!bruces (Bruce Sesnovich – Sun BOS Information Architecture)

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesnt happen; shit is.

JEHOVAHS WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon.

ISLAM: When shit happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesnt happen, dont call a doctor–pray.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isadore!
Isadore who?
Isadore locked, I cant get in!

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

After sitting down, ordering, and chitchat the Priest says Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?

He then realizes the truth I think were in a gay bar.

A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.

The priest is dumbfounded, and doesnt know what to do.

The Rabbi leans over and whispers something in the mans ear.

The man walks off.

The Priest says Thanks, but what did you tell him.

The Rabbi replies I just told him were on our honeymoon.

Pepito estaba en el kinder y un día le dice a su mamá que tenía un festival el viernes en la escuela. La mamá muy entusiasmada le pregunta que si de que lo iba a vestir, a lo que Pepito responde que de castor.

Su mamá gastó mas de 1000 pesos pues quería que su hijo fuera el mejor del festival.

En fin, ese día Pepito le dice a su madre que si quiere que le cante la canción y ella dice que sí.

Y Pepito empieza a cantar:

Los castooores a Belén coooorrren pre su rooooo sos…

Q: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.

Why do ducks have big, webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have big, flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven – one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – Hanover doesnt have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six – one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulbs right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as
a group.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less
fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular
sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or
grandparents, according to where the money is.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although
there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but dont.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to
marry Republican girls, but feel that theyre entitled to a
little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate
rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

One day, a Chinese couple has a child. A few hours after the delivery, they both wanted to see the baby, but the nurse came back from the nursery holding a white baby. Wait a minute, the father said. Two Wongs dont make a white!

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say, Dont touch that lever.

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, I said dont touch that lever!

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, Was that you that just spoke?

The snake said, Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever. If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world.

The driver, still rather astonished, said, What is your name? And will you talk on TV? The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasnt interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasnt moved.

The driver said, Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews. That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever.

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out. They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area. He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak. When the drivers truck hit the slick, it went out of control, and he found himself headed straight for the lever. He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last possible moment, he was able to swerve, but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was elated that he had missed the lever, but sad that he killed Nate. Philosophically he mused, Well, better Nate than lever.