Old and New Jokes

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judges chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my clients defence.The judge asked, What new evidence could you have?The lawyer replied, My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!

I found the following professionally printed handbill posted on a door
in the Georgetown physiology department.

Did you know?

EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
IS BAKED,
APPROXIMATELY
150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
KILLED.

Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
The Very Small and Quiet Screams
— a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.

A must for those who care about yeast,
and especially for those who dont.

Evening showing in Johnson & Wales
Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19

SPONSORED BY
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters

Defend all life: from greatest to least, from human to yeast!

This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, How deep is this hole? The farmer said, Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, No. The farmer said, Oh well. He cant get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.

Did you here about the gay midget? He finally came out of the cabinet.

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together,
and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and
says to her, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night no one will show up…

Ive already said no, and no!

Honey, its just a small blowie… I know you like it too.

No! Ive said no!

My love… dont be like that…

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, Dad says either you
have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy
a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake to tell your boyfriend to take his
hand off the intercom!

With the exit of Ginger Spice, the girls have been looking for her replacement. Their newest member: Cher, who will affectionately known as Old Spice.

and boy do I falafle

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church.

The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.

The retired couple said it was no problem at all.

The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.

The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

Can of PAINT! exclaimed the minister.

Yeah, said the newlywed man.

She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then.

lust took over.

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

Thats okay, said the man.

Were not welcome in Home Depot either.

The Yuppette watched from the beach at Hilton Head as her son built sand castles near the surf. The boy got up, took a few steps, slipped and was pulled out by a strong undertow.

Help! Help! she screamed.

A Life Guard hearing her cries spotted the boy and ran the rescue. He dove into the pounding surf and finally pulled the child to safety on the shore. He then applied mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and in a few moments, the boy began to cough.

There ya are Miss. I think hell be just fine now. But you might want to visit a doctor to be sure.

Yes, yes! she replied. But he was wearing a new hat and sunglasses.

This TRUE STORY from my secretary.

Last week her mother was getting her usual do when her hairdresser relayed a previous-day experience:

The hairdresser (owner) was getting ready to close up her shop when a man came in and asked if she could give him a quick cut before she closed. She agreed,and as she was trimming the guys hair, he put his hand under the cape and the cape started moving. (She became somewhat uncomfortable.)

Then, the lady got REAL concerned when the man put his OTHER hand under the cape and the cape started moving MORE; she thought she was trimming the hair of a PERVERT. She then panicked, took a hairdryer and smashed the man up-side his head, causing him to black out on the floor.

The lady hurried and called 911, police came … only to find out that the poor guy was JUST CLEANING HIS GLASSES!