20
Jun

International sex

In France and Italy, people seduce each other.

In Brazil, they dont have seduction, they just have sex, and
are laid back about it in a way many uptight Englanders might
find loose-moraled.

In Sweden, they dont have seduction either. Any sex that may
occur usually happens during a discussion on Third World debt, or
the ozone layer, or something equally mind-broadening. Any
attempt to seduce a Swede will result in a patronising lecture
on safe sex.

In Singapore, they dont have seduction either. Ordinary people live
in towering government-built apartment blocks, most of which have
a social committee which receives funding from Singapores
government to throw parties to get the socially inept technocrats
to socialise and marry and have children to make more Chinese than
Malays and Indians (who have a higher birth rate). For the same
reason, the National University of Singapores Engineering faculty
is built next to the Accounting department, so the male engineers
meet the female accountants, get married, and have Chinese children.

South of Harlem and north of downtown Manhattan, and either
side of midtown, is where the rich whites live, and where
half the people are too busy to even think about something as
frivolous as romance, while the other half are too busy seeing
their shrinks because they cant find romance. Anyone they do
meet faces a barrage of questions about their career paths,
medical insurance plans, and past drug and divorce offenses.

People who live in Connecticut and upstate New York, who commute to
Manhattan every day (so-called mainline snobs because they
never use the subway) seduce each other on the train home,
where they scope each other out on the train for a few days,
then strike up a conversation a couple of minutes before one
of them gets off (so that if the other person
is an asshole, the conversation will shortly end anyway) and
arrange a lunch date back in Manhattan. This ensures that
rich professional mainline snobs mix with other rich professionals.

Near (but not in) Washington D.C., in the neighbouring suburbs in
Maryland and across the river in Virginia, the first thing single
people talk about having met an attractive potential partner
is politics. Tax-and-spend liberals wont go out with
Dickensian conservatives, gun nuts wont touch screaming
heart civil libertarians, lobbiests for oil companies wont
date lobbiests for clean air, and all the fine shades of political
opinion are more important than opinions about anything else,
physical attractiveness, intellectual prowess, and personality.

In Germany, people can talk about their emotions up-front and
realistically.

SCENE: Frankfurt-am-Main, Germany
Helmut: So Hans, how is Helga these days?
Hans: Helga says that unless I stop sleeping around
and spend more time at home, shes going to
leave me and contest custody of the kids.
Helmut: I think Helga has a point – if you really loved
her, you wouldnt pay for Evas flat.
Hans: The first few years with Helga were great,
but I really dont love her any more.

People from other cultures find this Teutonic efficiency a little
bloodless and dehumanised, as if they discuss their emotions
like they discuss their shopping list, or desired options in
their new Opel.

In most of Australia, people are afraid to say what they think,
for fear of offending someone else and for someone else hurting
them. Instead, they talk about safe trivialities.

SCENE: Kensington, NSW
Warren: So Harry, how is Janet these days?
Harry: Shes been very strange lately. [Tense]
Warren: Oh? [Nervous tone of voice]
Harry: Yeah.
Warren: [Changing the subject] Hows the new Falcon?
Harry: Its alright, but typical Australian-made stuff….

Foreigners are shocked to find that the only way to seduce an
Australian is to pretend to be almost completely disinterested.
Any show of romantic interest will cause the
non-risk-taking Australian to go scurrying of to their friends
for security. Any effort to be warm, caring, and supportive
to an Australian woman will cause her to reciprocate only because
she thinks you must be gay, and thus free of emotional risks.

20
Jun

Etiquette For Men

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss car

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If youve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy whos
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of
hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friends fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is
optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you
may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may
never ask whos playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
youre sunning on a tropical beach… and its delivered by a
topless supermodel… and its free.

Friends dont let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a mans zipper is down, thats his problem — you didnt
see nothin.

Women who claim they love to watch sports must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death
of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly threw
it into a ceiling fan.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. Thats just plain mean.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need.

Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; Hang up if necessary.

The morning after you and a babe who was formerly just a
friend have had carnal drunken rampant sex, the fact that
youre feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to do it again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

19
Jun

Haba una vez una nia

Había una vez una niña que sólo tenía tres pelos. Un día cuando se iba para el colegio le dijo a su mama: Mamá, mamá hazme una clineja.

La mamá le dice: No puedo porque se te cayó un pelo.

Al otro día:

Mamá, mamá, hazme dos moñitos.

No puedo porque se te cayó un pelo.

Al otro día:

Mamá, mamá, hazme una colita.

No puedo porque se te cayó un pelo.

Y la niña contesta:

¡Entonces déjamelo suelto!

19
Jun

Rednecks Logic

Two rednecks decided that they werent going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.



The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?



I sure do. Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.



Thats real good! says the redneck. The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.



Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin! And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.



Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously catching on.



Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.



Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard! I caint wait to take that logic class!!



The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.



So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend. Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.



What in tarnation is logic??? asked his friend. Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater? asked the first redneck.



No, his friend replied.



Fag! Queer!


19
Jun

Posh & Becks

posh and Becks are sitting in front of the television watching the six

> oclock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the



> Clifton



> Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below.



>



> Posh turns to Becks and says: David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!



> to



> which Beckham replies 5,000? Done! I bet that he doesnt. So they



> shake



> hands on the bet and continue watching.



>



> Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud.



> Beckham



> takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh. But she



> refuses.



> I



> cant take your money, David, she says. The truth is, I was cheating.



> I



> saw the five oclock news, so I knew he was going to jump.



>



> No, babe, fairs fair says David. That money is yours fair and



> square. I



> was cheating just as you were. I saw the five oclock news, too. I



> just



> didnt think he would do it again.

19
Jun

Nothing is as temporary as

Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.

19
Jun

Yo moma

yo momaso ugly when she was born they had to feed her with a sling shot

19
Jun

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?

What do you call a woman outside the kitchen?

Answer: A fugitive

19
Jun

MBA-s Heros

Surveytakers asked a sizable sampling of recent MBA graduates to name the person they most admired.

The candidate who came in first was Father.

Second were Mother and Bill Gates, tied.

San Francisco Chronicle 7/21/96

19
Jun

Busted Doc!

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband snoring.

So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her suffering.

Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.

My goodness! the woman exclaimed, sounds like leasing a new sports car!

Humm, the doctor murmured, too obvious, huh?