Old and New Jokes

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a
fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well
with pizza. –Dave Barry

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long, Time Enough For Love

Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But
what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust
out there. And scientists believe if they could look and
see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise
bicycle. –Bill Maher

I went on a diet but I had to go on two diets at the same
time because one wasnt giving me enough food. –Barry Marter

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30
years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The
original meal has never been found. –Calvin Trillin

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people. –Orson Welles

How Does a dummy kill a mole? He buries it.

There were 2 blondes and a brunette.

The first blonde said I want to be smart. POOF! She was a brunette.

The other one said the same thing.POOF! She was a Brunette too!

The Brunette said I want to be dumb! POOF! She was a man!

Man who looks for a pink slip before the money in
his pay envelope.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man
returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

So did you follow him?

I did.

And…where did he go?

Over to your house…

Tres mujeres mueren y llegan a las puertas del cielo donde las recibe San Pedro. San Pedro se dirige a la primera de las mujeres:

A ver hija, ¿ningún pecado en tu vida? No, San Pedrito. ¿Nunca le fuiste infiel a tu marido? No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento? Nunca, ni con el pensamiento. Bueno, entonces toma: las llaves del cielo. Gracias San Pedrito, gracias.

San Pedro se dirige ahora a la segunda mujer:

Y tu, hija mía, ¿le fuiste infiel alguna vez a tu marido?. No, nunca. ¿Ni con el pensamiento?. Ehhhh, sí, una vez. Entonces toma, la llave del purgatorio. La que sigue.

Entra la tercer mujer. Un cuerpazo, toda pintada, jeans super ajustados y un escote amplísimo:

Ehhh… Este… ehhh… mmm, dime, hija mía, ¿y tú? Mira San Pedrito, la verdad es que yo sí me metí con todos los que pude: con el panadero, el lechero, el jardinero, el policía de la esquina, el sobrino de mi esposo, el cuñado, el jefe, 3 de sus amigos…

San Pedro la interrumpe: Ya hija, suficiente, toma, la llave de mi cuarto.

Siete ladrones pretendían robar una casa; uno de ellos tomó una escalera manual y empezaron a subir. El primer ladrón se asomó por una ventana y les informó a los demás:

Está oscuro.

El segundo ratero le informa al tercero y así sucesivamente hasta llegar al séptimo. El primero continúa observando y avisa:

Veo una silueta.

Y otra vez, del segundo al sexto, repiten el mensaje.

El primero prosigue:

Es una mujer.

Y los demás repiten el mensaje.

Es una mujer y está desnuda.

Nuevamente se repite el aviso.

Entonces, alarmado, el primer ladrón advierte:

Cuidado, que ya se paró

Y el último de los ladrones dice:

A mí también.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.



He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, Thatll be $5000. The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.



Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?



The shopkeeper answered, Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.



The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. That ones even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?



Oh, that ones a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff, said the shopkeeper.



The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?



The shopkeeper replied, Well, I havent actually seen it do anything, but it says its a consultant.

Why do men enjoy getting head so much?

Its five minutes of peace and quiet.

————–

Why do men enjoy head so much?

Its the only thing a guy gets into a girls head straight.

Do pilots take crash-courses?