Old and New Jokes

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?

Missionary

Whats 30 feet long and smells like urine?

A country line dance at the nursing home!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed, This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

Nuts … my shaft is bent
After 18 holes I can barely walk
You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
Look at the size of his putter
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it
My hands are so sweaty I cant get a good grip
Nice strokes, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the #1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isnt …

Hold up … I need to wash my balls first

You: Waiter. Waiter!!! I have a problem.Waiter: Yes sir. Before I can help you with your problem I need to get your zip code, phone number, and birth date.
….
Ok great thankyou. So what is the problem?You: Well there is a dead bee in the soup that you brought me.Waiter: Will you please leave our restaurant, and come back in? Then the dead bee might have disappeared.You: No Ive tried that but it didnt work.Waiter: Well maybe there is something wrong with how you handled the soup? Please try using the fork.You: Well it doesnt matter if I used the fork, there is still a dead bee in my soup. Are you going to bring me another soup?Waiter: Before we can do that, I must check to see if your plate is compatible to the bowl. That might have caused the dead bee to appear in your bowl.
….
Waiter: Ok it does look compatible. Can you please tell me exactly what you where doing before you realized that there was a bee in the soup.You: Sigh, just forget it. Ill just take the bee out of the soup and drink it.Waiter: Ok well if that would satisfy you. We work hard to give you the best support as possible. Please call me again if you have any problems. Here is your bill.Todays Soup $ 5.00
Support $ 10.00 (10 minutes)
_________
$ 15.00

Yes, its hard to believe,but in 1999 Barbie will turn 40, just in time to greet the new century. And theyve been40 full, rich years. She began as a glamorous airline stewardess when she was introducedat Toy Fair in 1959.She soared into space as an astronaut in 1974, ran for president in1992, and, in 1997, she bore disability bravely, folding her first-ever bending legs intoa wheelchair to become a role model once again for a newly identified market. In every incarnation,nationality, and skin tone, shes perfectly turned out,with accessories galore at her longslender fingertips. Shes Everywoman, shes the Cosmo Girl, she has it all. So, what willMattel think of next as the company meets the challenge of Barbie turning 40? Why fight age? Why notcapitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for apast 40 Barbie:Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbies bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbies hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.Cooks Arms Barbie: Hide Barbies droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbies dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbies own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robins egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.Midlife Crisis Barbie: Ken has a young Swedish girlfriend, so its time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. Theyre hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."Single Mother Barbie: Theres not much time for primping anymore! Kens shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbies across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbies selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, shes going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke. Who knows when Barbie willhave outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home, the possibilities andaccessories are endless.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lucretia!
Lucretia who?
Lucretia from the Black Lagoon!

Un borracho decide pasar la noche en la esquina de la calle.

En eso pasa una persona muy rápido y pocos segundos después pasa un policía y le pregunta al borracho:

¿No vio quien dobló la esquina?

Y le responde el borracho:

Ah no sé, cuando yo llegué ya estaba así.

Statistics are like a bikini; What is revealed is interesting; What is concealed is crucial.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied, Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says, No, not quite. Youve got some shit on the end of your nose!