Old and New Jokes

Un tipo va visitar a su compadre que se encontraba en otra ciudad:

Compadre, le tengo malas noticias: se murió su perico.

¡Cómo que se murió si estaba sano!

Es que se murió cuando se incendió su casa.

¡Cómo que se incendió mi casa!

Sí, se incendió porque se cayó una vela cuando estabamos velando a su mamacita.

¡Cómo que se murió mi mamacita!

Sí, es que no aguantó lo de su hijo.

¡Qué de mi hijo!

Que se cayó de la azotea y se mató.

Me ha dado puras malas noticias, compadre.

No, le traigo una buena.

¿Cuál, compadre?

Que su esposa está embarazada de cinco meses.

¡No, compadre, esa también es mala noticia porque yo aquí tengo ocho meses!

The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

A confused little nine year old boy asks his mother one day,Mom, is God a
man or a woman?

Well, says the boys mother, God is unique. Hes both a man and a woman.

This further confuses the little boy, so he says, Mom, is God black or white?

The mother begins to get a little embarassed, but she answers, God is both
black and white, honey.

The even more confused little boy then asks, Mom, is God gay or straight?

The boys mother mow hesitates, but she answers, Well, God is both gay and
straight, son.

The boy now smiles with understanding. Mom! Now I know! Is God Michael
Jackson?

Twas the night before implementation

and all through the house,

not a system was working,

not even a mouse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in dispair,

in hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,

while visions of transactions danced in their heads.

When out of the ADC came such a clatter,

I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,

but a guru programmer (with a sixpack of beer).

His resume glowed with experience so rare,

and he turned out great code with a bit-pushers flair.

More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,

as he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

On Update! On Inquiry! On Add! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!

His eyes were glazed-over; fingers nimble and lean,

from weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,

soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

Turning Specs into code; Then turned with a jerk;

And laying his finger upon the RUN key,

The system came up and it worked perfectly.

The Updates updated; Deletes, they deleted;

The Inquires inquired, the Closing completed.

He tested each whistle, and tested each bell

with nary an edit, for all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded.

The clients last changes were even included.

And the client exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt.

Its just what I asked for, but not what I want!

OPERATIONAL EXCELLENCE?

Once upon a time, an American company and a Japanese company decided to have competitive boat race on the Bear River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they both felt as ready as they could be.

The Japanese won by a mile! Afterwards the American Team became very discouraged by the losses and morale began to sag. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A The Continuous Improvement Team was established to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.

THEIR CONCLUSION: The problem was that the Japanese Team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereby the American Team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and millions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again, the American Teams management structure was totally reorganized to three Steering Director, three Steering Managers, and two Steering Supervisors. Also a new performance system for the person rowing the boat was developed to give more incentive to work harder.

We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower to cut costs, sold all of the paddles, canceled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, gave a Superior Performance award to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

A: Nipples!

If Microsoft was jewish …

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, your PC would get Ferklempt.
Year 2000 issues are replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.
Hanukkah screen savers will have Flying Dreidels.
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
Your Start button would be replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.
Abort, Retry, Ignore would be replaced with Stop it already – Youre killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didnt hear that!.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to Remove the cable from your PCs tuchis.
Your multimedia player would be renamed to Nu, so play my music already!.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.
You would hear the tune Hava Nagila during startup.
Microsoft Office would include A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running scandisk, you will be prompted with a You vant I should fix this? message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!.
A monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the schmutz on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go Schloffen.
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

Here are the top ten things that men know about women!1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. Periods?

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Happy, Happy, Happy!

This is the 25,000th joke added to JakesJokes.com!

An American, wearing Bermuda shorts, T-shirt, and a baseball cap, walks into a café, chewing on gum. He sits next to this French guy who is trying to enjoy his breakfast and is not in the mood for small talk.

The American, aware of the Frenchmans mood, tries to be smart. He sees the man eating a roll with jelly and decides to remark on that.

You French people eat the entire roll of bread?! he says in an astonished tone.

Yes, replies the Frenchman and resumes eating.

Not us, says the American. We only eat the inside and then throw the crust in a container, process it and sell it to the French as croissants.

The Frenchman calmly ignores him and continues to eat.

Eww… says the American, You eat your bread with that jelly?

Yes, says the Frenchman.

Not us, says the American, We only eat fresh fruits. Then we throw the peal in a container, process it and sell it to the French as jelly.

Really? says the Frenchman, And what do you do with your used condoms?

Taken aback, the American says, Uhh… we just throw them away.

Not us, said the Frenchman, We throw them in a container, process them, and sell it as gum to the Americans.

My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins.

Everything is double … clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes. Ive had to remind him that … talc is cheap.

My brother and I used to fight over everything. Who would get the best toy. Who would get the biggest treat.

Well, on this rainy day Mother discovered she only had one large lollipop for a treat and told us we would have to share. My brother, who was two years older than me suggested that he would take a wooden mallet and break it evenly for us to share and I readily agreed, But when he hit it, it shattered into a number of uneven pieces that we couldnt divide evenly.

Mother told us we should have expected that would occur. She said, … You can never give a sucker an even break.