Un habitante de Tontilandia va en su automóvil y lo choca. Viendo la gran abolladura, se le ocurre que soplándolo por el escape puede inflarse y regresar a la normalidad. Y en eso está cuando pasa un compatriota por el camino y le dice:
¡Hombre, que eres bruto! ¡Si no cierras las ventanas no se va a inflar nunca!
Esto es lo que hace un novio:
Primer mes:
No se sienta, no toma café, todo está bien; siempre dice por favor y gracias.
Segundo mes:
Se sienta (no muy a gusto), toma café pero no acepta la comida; le hace cariños al perro.
Tercer mes:
Almuerza en la casa de la novia, toma whisky con el suegro, abre el refrigerador (solito), y se fija en las nalgas de la cuñada.
Cuarto mes:
Coloca el pie sobre la mesita de la sala, va al baño (con la puerta cerrada), eructa frente a la novia y da opiniones.
Quinto mes:
Entra sin ser invitado, se sirve sólo la comida, se limpia la boca en el mantel de la mesa y se coge a la novia en el sofá de la sala.
Sexto mes:
Almuerza y cena en casa de la novia, le pide el carro prestado al suegro, se tira pedos en la sala sin ninguna pena y le muestra la muela con caries a la suegra.
Séptimo mes:
Duerme con la novia los fines de semana; durante la cena se acomoda los huevos y sigue comiendo.
Octavo mes:
Le reclama a la suegra; mea con la puerta del baño abierta, se limpia los mocos en la toalla de mano; le agarra las nalgas a la cuñada.
Noveno mes:
Caga y no descarga el WC; patea al perro; se coge a la novia en la cama de la suegra y se limpia el pene en la cortina.
Décimo mes:
Pasa más tiempo en casa de la suegra que en la suya, trata a la novia como una sirvienta y le pide dinero prestado al suegro (sin devolvérselo).
Onceavo mes:
Discute con todo el mundo en casa de la novia; insulta a la suegra, se madrea al cuñadito; se coge a la cuñada.
Doceavo mes:
Acaba con el noviazgo, pues no soporta más a la familia de ella.
A blonde gets in an elevator and sees a man standing there. She tells him, TGIF, sir, to which he replies, S-H-I-T, maam. Surprised, she replies, Excuse me, I was just trying to be nice , TGIF stands for Thank goodness its Friday. The man replies, SHIT stands for Sorry honey its Thursday.
The real reason Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves is that
he thought it would be good for basketball.
The head of the department of education
was talking to president Bush.
Mr president, The man said, 85% of
the nations children cant find Iraq on the
map.
Bush just smiled and calmly stated,
thats ok. in a few monthes it wont be on
the map.
Lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word Pants for key words: Weve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. The pants may not look like much, kid, but theyve got it where it counts. I find your lack of pants disturbing. Many bobans died to bring us these pants. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. Han will have those pants down. Weve got to give him more time! General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home. TK-421… Why arent you in your pants? Lock the door. And hope they dont have pants. You are unwise to lower your pants. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark. Luke… Help me remove these pants. Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants. That blast came from those pants. That things operational! Luke…..I am your pants. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master. Dont worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this. Maybe youd like it back in your pants, your highness. Luke, search your pants. You know it is true. Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially one… Your sister! Jabba doesnt have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser. Short pants is better than no pants at all.
Knock Knock Whos there? Ketchup Ketchup who? Catch up with me and Ill tell you!
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Dude who invented the X-files
Wide Receiver, Minnesota Vikings
Other half of the Jackie Chan buddy pair in the Rush Hour films
Bill Clintons uncle
The Ayatollah Khomenis bitch
Brother of Billy Beer inventor
Part-owner of fried chicken franchise
Old guy who did the news before Dan Rather
Eminems real name
Replacement host for Bob Villa on This Old House
Feeb who whines a lot about pancreatic cancer
Liz Taylor Husband #3
(c) Daily Wonk Lists 2001
Q: Whats musical and handy in a supermarket?
A: A Chopin Liszt.