ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCOS TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football
stadium?
It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!
Joeys E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service
Larry Learns About Leather
My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
Its a Mall World After All
RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenagers Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
Look Before Crossdressing
The Littlest Testicle
Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girls Guide to Staying Skinny
If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don=92t Get Your Nipple Pierced
Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!
and Top5s Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s…
Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isnt Really 10 Years Old Like You
Ruminations & Ponderances
Ill bet Julius Caesars real last words were, Ha! The jokes on you Brutus. I still owe you 5 dollars.
(Thanks to Dave Henry)
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.
Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was illegitiment because she couldnt read
One fine morning, Billy and Buddy Snake were hissing around the front of their pit when their mother came outside. Why dont you boys slither on over to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss there for awhile? she told them. So off they went.
They werent at Mrs. Pots pit five minutes before Mrs. Pot came out and scolded the two young snakes. Oh no you dont, she said angrily. You boys go back to your own pit and hiss there. So Billy and Buddy slithered back home.
Once back, their mother reappeared. I thought I told you boys to go to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss over there? she said. We did, said Buddy, but she told us we had to come back here and hiss in our own pit.
Well, the nerve of that woman, replied their mother. Why I can remember when Mrs. Pot didnt even have a pit to hiss in.
with thanks to Frederic
Vary your vehicles speed inversely with the speed limit.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.Two words: Chicken suit.Write the words Help me on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.Stop at the green lights.Go at the red ones.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.Eat food that requires silverware.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.Sing without having the radio on.Honk frequently without motivation.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.Ask people for Grey Poupon.Let pedestrians know whos boss.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.Restart your car at every stop light.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.Keep at least five cats in the car.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.Stop and collect roadkill.Throw Spam.Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
>From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:
The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.
The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.
Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
Dear Rich Bastard. The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.
There was this magician who did an act for vacationers. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a trick, AWK! The card is up his sleeve, or AWK! He had the bird in his pocket, or AWK! He slipped it through a hole in the hat.
One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. For three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, AWK! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?
Since the Bush administration hasnt yet figured out the details of its proposed military tribunals, I thought Id offer a suggestion.
Basically, we have three constraints to meet:
The trials must not be hampered by the US constitution: they are to be secret, with the ability to withhold evidence from the accused, use hearsay and circumstantial evidence, and impose the death penalty with a majority vote.
They need to be supervised by an institution with extensive experience in managing key elements of United States infrastructure.
Since were in a recession now, they need to be cheap.
I say we take a page from U.S. manufacturers and outsource them to China.
from rec.humor.funny