After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counsellors office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. What seems to be the problem? Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!
The husband scratched his head and replied, I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
A farmer buys a mated pair of parrots. Every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is banging the female. The next day the female dies. The farmer gets incensed and throws the male out of the house.
The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot. The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen. The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrots gone.
During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but cant find the parrot.
One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scrufty. The farmer walks up to it and says, Finally screwed yourself to death, did you?
With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, Shhh.
You Are Different and Thats Bad
Dads New Wife Robert
Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking
Some Kittens Can Fly
Grandpa Gets a Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
In this bloody place, witnesses in the Court of Dracula swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth …
And at the doctors clinic, would you believe it, but when he has finished with one patient, he calls out: Necks!
Q: Whats the Counts favourite food?
A: Spook-etti!
… and even the ghosts eat out of bone-china plates …
Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.
Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.
The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.
OPERATION
Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS
Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION
Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bera!
Bera who?
Bera necessity!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Toronto!
Toronto who?
Toronto be a law against Knock Knock
jokes!
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, May I help you, sir?
The duck says, Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass.
Una vez que se conocieron bien Tarzán y Jane no paraban de hacer el amor. Pero después de unas semanas Jane le dijo a Tarzán:
Es suficiente, tenemos que encontrar otra forma de hacerlo… ¡Ya sé! Mira Tarzán, tú te subes a una liana de ese árbol y yo a la de aquel, cuando te de la señal, te sueltas, yo haré lo mismo y te esperaré en el aire como libro abierto. Aségurate de estar bien tenso ¿eh?
Asà lo hace Tarzán. Jane da la señal y se sueltan. De pronto Jane grita:
¡Tarzán! ¡Tarzán! ¡Vas muy arrib…!
Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.