Old and New Jokes

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven. St. Peter met him and welcomed him, saying You will certainly enjoy Paradise.

The Texan shook his head sadly and said I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise.

St. Peter said Well, let me show you what we have to offer. He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. Isnt this beautiful? said St. Peter

The Texan replied, Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO.

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, white tail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. Now said St. Peter Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?

The Texan paused and said Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime.

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said I guess youve never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND.

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down. As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door open, it revealed the fires of damnation – Hell.

St. Peter said Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head. No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A megasorass.

Twas the night before Christmas,
Yet he slept all alone.
In a one-bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just what man
In this small house did live.
I looked all about,
What a strange site to see.
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stockings by the fire,
Just boots spit shined bright.
Then something else gleamed,
Reflecting the moonlight.
They were medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds.
And a sobering thought
Soon came to my mind.
For this house was different,
Unlike any Id topped.
This was the home of an officer,
The home of a cop.
Id heard stories about them,
And I had to see more.
So I walked down the hall,
And pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping,
Silent and alone.
Curled up on his bed,
In this one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle,
His face weathered tan,
I soon understood
That this was more than a man.
For I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these people
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the nation
The children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate
On a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed safety
Each month, and all year
Because of officers like him,
This man lying here.
I couldnt help wonder
How many were on patrol.
All alone on Christmas Eve
Out in the shivering cold.
I watched him for hours,
So silent and so still,
And I noticed that he shivered,
From the cold nights chill.
So I took off my jacket,
The one made of red.
And I covered this officer
From his toes to his head.
Then I put on His jacket
With the badge of silver and gold,
With the words Police Officer
Emblazoned so bold.
Though it barely fit me
I began to swell with pride,
And for one shining moment
I was an officer inside.
I didnt want to leave him
So quiet in the night,
This guardian of justice,
So willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over,
And in a voice clean and pure
Said, Carry on Santa – its Christmas,
All here is secure.
One look at my watch
And I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend,
Code four and good night.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?

You know what…we DO taste like chicken!

I saw this one on the HA TV comedy network:

I went out with my girlfriend and asked her, Why is it every time I go out
with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?

Because Im a prostitute.

An 80-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctors office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, Well, doc, its like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.

The doctor was shocked. You asked your NEIGHBOR?

The old man replied, Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldnt get the damn jar open!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, And what starting salary were you looking for? The Engineer said, In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette? The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding? And the interviewer replied, Yeah, but you started it.

A German and an American werte having a rather heated arguement about the quality of their respective countrys brews. This went on for a good half hour when the German said: Look. Ill prove it to you

Whereupon, he poured a couple of ounces of Bud into a specimin jar and sent it off to a testing lab for analysis.

Well, about two weeks later, a letter arrives from the lab which read as followes:

Dear Mr. Schnitzel,

Based on the evaluation of the sample you sent us, we regret to inform you that your horse is diabetic.

Warmest Regards

Dr. Ben D. Over

Insolente, en plena calle, un borracho orina con movimientos de vaivén de izquierda a derecha. En eso, una viejita que pasa lo ve:

¡Pero qué bestia! ¡Qué bruto!, grita asombrada la anciana.

No se preocupe, pase, pase que la estoy sosteniendo, farfulla el temulento.

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.



3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.



4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.



5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.



6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.



7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and dont move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.



8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it!



9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.



10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.



11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.



12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.



13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.



14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.



15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.



16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.



17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & Ms and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you dont have any candy.



18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.



19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.



20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when youre finished.