Old and New Jokes

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, three Laotian monks, Hitler, Jesus and Joseph Stalin walk into a bar, the bartender asks What the fuck is this? Some kind of joke?

The Universal Excuse Form is designed to get you out of the trouble that you may have encountered. Whenever theres a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and use it. Youll be surprised how effective this form can be!

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Dear

a) Mom

b) Dad

c) love of my life

d) Assistant Principal

e) Local Police Chief,

f) Near & dear friend

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car

b) House

c) Pet

d) Espresso maker

e) Left arm

f) Snow Mobile

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile

b) puerile

c) inept

d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic

e) woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car

b) jet ski

c) large helium balloon

d) rodent driven sledge

e) Zamboni

f) Ski Doo

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house

b) wife

c) Mistress

d) Cub Scout troop

e) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with lightbulb in the torch

f) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine

b) fathom

c) comprehend

d) appreciate

e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me

b) sue me

c) spank me

d) take my firstborn

e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond

f) just shoot me

but I ask you to remember all the good times weve had, joking around at

a) school

b) work

c) church

d) the bowling alley

e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend

b) child

c) sibling

d) lease co-signer

e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid

b) was so silly

c) would have been funny if it worked

d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first

e) Im going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Me

Q- whats got 100 balls and screws old ladies

A- BINGO

Two Southerners were having the blue plate special at their favorite
watering hole, when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned
around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down a Specialty Burger too fast.

The first Southerner said to the other, Think we otta hep?

Yep, said the second.

The First Southerner got up and walked over to the lady and asked,
Kin yew breathe?

She shook her head no.

Kin yew speak? he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and licked
her on the butt. She was so shocked that she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe with great relief.

The First Southerner turned back to his friend and said, Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever time.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proof reading.

You think you got it bad.

All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, nasty dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near get killed by a 747, Mrs. Claus pissed off cause I got in too late.

AND THAT ISNT ALL

Donner, Blitzen and Rudolph got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves wont clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I am so SICK of cookies and milk I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of the sleigh.

My prostate is giving me hell. I pissed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat, Im allergic to pine needles and itch all over, and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! HO!

Merry Christmas, my ass!!!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the no haggle attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe youll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, Damn it, this one isnt wearing any shoes either!

Llega una viejita a la farmacia:

Me da unas píldoras anticonceptivas para dormir.

¿Para dormir, señora? ¿Y le dan buenos resultados?, pregunta interesado el farmacéutico.

Pues, fíjese que sí, porque cuando mis nietas se van con sus novios les doy una pildorita y ¡viera que tranquila me quedo!

Why did the Blonde throw bread crumbs down the loo??

To feed the toilet duck!!!

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight!Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”To which the man promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”