Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Howell!
Howell who!
Howell you have your pizza, plain or with extra ham?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Heaven!
Heaven who?
Heaven seen you in ages!

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.

Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn

there was this blonde sientiest that worked for nasa, one day she came to work and everyone she worked with had died their hair blonde just to see if she would notice, she worked her regular day, did her work and started to leave, she had to go out the building and the security guard that just came to work in a shift change had dark brown hair, she started to go through the security gate and she saw the security guard and said you must me new, the guard said no mam i work here 5 days a week, she argued with the guy and said no,

this is a blondes only company, every one here is now blonde, they finally realized that we run the world and all went blonde so you need to find a new job. as she left she said blonde power.

Iba un tipo caminando por el malecón de La Habana, y él tenía una pierna postiza, un ojo postizo, un brazo postizo y la nariz postiza.

El tipo, cansado ya de todas esas cosas postizas, se para frente a la playa y dice, Ya yo estoy cansado de todo esto, se quita la pierna y la tira al agua, se quita la nariz y la tira al agua, se quita el brazo y lo tira al agua, se quita el ojo y lo tira al agua.

En eso un borracho que lo está viendo salta y dice: ¡Cooññoooo! ¡Tú sí eres inteligente eehh! ¡Te estas yendo pa Miami poco a poco!

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Terminal coolness.

Befuddled PC users flood help lines, and no question seems to be too
basic

AUSTIN, Texas – The exasperated help-line caller said she couldnt get her new
Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp. technician, made
sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the woman what happened when she
pushed the power button.

Ive pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens, the woman
replied. Foot pedal? the technician asked. Yes, the woman said, this
little white foot pedal with the on switch. The foot pedal, it turned out,
was the computers mouse, a hand-operated device that helps to control the
computers operations.

Personal-computer makers are discovering that its still a low-tech world out
there. While they are finally having great success selling PCs to households,
they now have to deal with people to whom monitors and disk drives are a foreign
as another language.

It is rather mystifying to get this nice, beautiful machine and not know
anything about it, says Ed Shuler, a technician who helps field consumer calls
at Dells headquarters here. Its going into unfamiliar territory, adds Gus
Kolias, vice president of customer service and training for Compaq Computer
Corp. People are looking for a comfort level.

Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies needing help
on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes exploding as new
multimedia functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say that as many as 70% of
their calls come from rank novices. Partly because of the volume of calls, some
computer companies have started charging help-line users.

The questions are often so basic that they could have been answered by opening
the manual that comes with every machine. One woman called Dells toll-free
line to ask how to install batteries in her laptop. When told that the
directions were on the first page of the manual, says Steve Smith, Dell director
of technical support, the woman replied angrily, I just paid $2,000 for this
damn thing, and Im not going to read a book.

Indeed, it seems that these buyers rarely refer to a manual when a phone is at
hand. If there is a book and a phone and theyre side by side, the phone wins
time after time, says Craig McQuilkin, manager of service marketing for AST
Research, Inc. in Irvine, Calif. Its a phenomenon of people wanting to talk
to people.

And do they ever. Compaqs help center in Houston, Texas, is inundated by some
8,000 consumer calls a day, with inquiries like this one related by technician
John Wolf: A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura would
not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, opened it up and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, What power switch?

Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
called to ask where the any key is when Press Any Key flashes on the screen
that Compaq is considering changing the command to Press Return Key.

Some people cant figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical support
supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard to control with
the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was
packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang says one of his customers held the
mouse and pointed it at the screen, all the while clicking madly. The customer
got no response because the mouse works only if its moved over a flat surface.

Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says a
customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his old
diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with the diskette. The
customers response: I put a label on the diskette, roll it into the
typewriter…

At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technicians request that she
send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer arrived a
few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at Dell, a
technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and
close the door. Asking the technician to hold on, the customer put the phone
down and was heard walking over to shut the door to his room. The technician
meant the door to his floppy drive.

The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell customer
called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell technician
Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
said, Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

No realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging parts
beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking his keyboard for a day, and then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.

Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says he
once calmed a man who became enraged because his computer had told him he was
bad and an invalid. Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computers bad
command and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on the role
of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who once worked as a
psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic fight by soothingly
talking a man through a computer problem after the man had screamed threats at
his wife and children in the background.

There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it happens
to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell every time he
experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk him through some
contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling uplifted by the process.
A lot of people want reassurance, says Mr. Shuler.

(Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994)

In France and Italy, people seduce each other.

In Brazil, they dont have seduction, they just have sex, and
are laid back about it in a way many uptight Englanders might
find loose-moraled.

In Sweden, they dont have seduction either. Any sex that may
occur usually happens during a discussion on Third World debt, or
the ozone layer, or something equally mind-broadening. Any
attempt to seduce a Swede will result in a patronising lecture
on safe sex.

In Singapore, they dont have seduction either. Ordinary people live
in towering government-built apartment blocks, most of which have
a social committee which receives funding from Singapores
government to throw parties to get the socially inept technocrats
to socialise and marry and have children to make more Chinese than
Malays and Indians (who have a higher birth rate). For the same
reason, the National University of Singapores Engineering faculty
is built next to the Accounting department, so the male engineers
meet the female accountants, get married, and have Chinese children.

South of Harlem and north of downtown Manhattan, and either
side of midtown, is where the rich whites live, and where
half the people are too busy to even think about something as
frivolous as romance, while the other half are too busy seeing
their shrinks because they cant find romance. Anyone they do
meet faces a barrage of questions about their career paths,
medical insurance plans, and past drug and divorce offenses.

People who live in Connecticut and upstate New York, who commute to
Manhattan every day (so-called mainline snobs because they
never use the subway) seduce each other on the train home,
where they scope each other out on the train for a few days,
then strike up a conversation a couple of minutes before one
of them gets off (so that if the other person
is an asshole, the conversation will shortly end anyway) and
arrange a lunch date back in Manhattan. This ensures that
rich professional mainline snobs mix with other rich professionals.

Near (but not in) Washington D.C., in the neighbouring suburbs in
Maryland and across the river in Virginia, the first thing single
people talk about having met an attractive potential partner
is politics. Tax-and-spend liberals wont go out with
Dickensian conservatives, gun nuts wont touch screaming
heart civil libertarians, lobbiests for oil companies wont
date lobbiests for clean air, and all the fine shades of political
opinion are more important than opinions about anything else,
physical attractiveness, intellectual prowess, and personality.

In Germany, people can talk about their emotions up-front and
realistically.

SCENE: Frankfurt-am-Main, Germany
Helmut: So Hans, how is Helga these days?
Hans: Helga says that unless I stop sleeping around
and spend more time at home, shes going to
leave me and contest custody of the kids.
Helmut: I think Helga has a point – if you really loved
her, you wouldnt pay for Evas flat.
Hans: The first few years with Helga were great,
but I really dont love her any more.

People from other cultures find this Teutonic efficiency a little
bloodless and dehumanised, as if they discuss their emotions
like they discuss their shopping list, or desired options in
their new Opel.

In most of Australia, people are afraid to say what they think,
for fear of offending someone else and for someone else hurting
them. Instead, they talk about safe trivialities.

SCENE: Kensington, NSW
Warren: So Harry, how is Janet these days?
Harry: Shes been very strange lately. [Tense]
Warren: Oh? [Nervous tone of voice]
Harry: Yeah.
Warren: [Changing the subject] Hows the new Falcon?
Harry: Its alright, but typical Australian-made stuff….

Foreigners are shocked to find that the only way to seduce an
Australian is to pretend to be almost completely disinterested.
Any show of romantic interest will cause the
non-risk-taking Australian to go scurrying of to their friends
for security. Any effort to be warm, caring, and supportive
to an Australian woman will cause her to reciprocate only because
she thinks you must be gay, and thus free of emotional risks.