Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?
The bus driver shakes his head and says,No, Im sorry.
At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: Will it take ME?
Anniversaries and birthdays Complicate my life. Im an absent-minded husband Of a present-minded wife.
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Why was it that the Kamakazi pilots used helmets?
Should the tree be real or fake?
Yuppie Solution: Live tree, planted after use
Male Solution: Fake tree, discarded after use
Female Solution: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Yuppie Solution: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
Male Solution: Bulbs flash logo of football team
Female Solution: Elegant flickering candles
Reality: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
Should the tree be topped with an angel or a star?
Yuppie Solution: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
Male Solution: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
Female Solution: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
Reality: Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts
Do you fling or hang tinsel?
Yuppie Solution: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
Male Solution: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
Female Solution: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree
Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
Yuppie Solution: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
Male Solution: Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football
Female Solution: Anytime the entire family is present
Reality: Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, wholl do it for food.
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in the blondes freezer?
A: She forgot the recipe.
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters
strange eating habits.
All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.
What will happen to her, doctor?, the mother inquired.
Eventually, said the doctor, she will rise and shine!
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesnt see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesnt find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands, – WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?
The secretary who was quite witty said, Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.