Old and New Jokes

The following advertisement appeared in one of the munition magazines:

The Guy on the Right Doesnt Stand a Chance. The guy on the right
has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system in a portable
package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an Uzi
submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are
four fully loaded, 32 round clips of 125 grain 9 mm ammunition.

The owner of the Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower
delivered–and delivered on target–in less time and with less
effort.

All for $795. Its inevitable.

If youre going up against some guy with an Osborne 1–or any
personal computer–hes the one whose in trouble. One round from an
Uzi can zip through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine
what it will do to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In
fact, detachable magazines for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and
40-round capacities, so you can take out an entire office full of
Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied into Ethernet or other local
area networks.

What about the new 16-bit computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?
Even with the Winchester backup theyre no match for the Uzi. One
quick burst and theyll find what UNIX means.

Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi–and come home a
winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.

When theres only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasnt you. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream thats mine. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers. Ask, Did you feel that?Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.When the doors close, announce to the others, Its okay, dont panic, they open again. Call out group hug, and then enforce it.Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Youve ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.

You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.

Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you cant find it.

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesnt understand a woman: before marriage & after.

The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.

It makes men cocky and women lay better.

A new mother took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She dressed her little girl in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the shopping cart and put the purchases around her. In the checkout line, she noticed a small boy and his mother were ahead of her.

The small boy was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or gum and his mother wont let him have any, she thought.



Then she heard his mothers reply. No! she said, looking in her direction. You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!

No good deed goes unpunished.

The sincerest form of flattery.

Clinton was asked who was a better lover: Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones.

His response: Paula was good, but no cigar.