Old and New Jokes

Janet Reno and Hilary Clinton were engaging in typical girl talk. Hilary told Janet how lucky she was not having men make unwanted advances towards her, and that she never knew where Bills pecker was the night before. Janet Reno remarked that just because she wasnt beautiful didnt mean that men didnt make passes at her.

So Hillary asked Janet how she warded off these unwanted sexual advances and Janet told her that whenever a man made an unwanted pass at her, she mustered up the loudest, stinkiest fart she could, and that it worked every time.

Hilary thought this was a great idea and decided to use it the next time Bill got frisky.

That night, Bill was in bed before Hilary. As soon as she slipped between the covers, Bill rolled over and Hilary knew he wanted some action. She had been saving her farts all day and let out the loudest, crudest fart she could.

Bill got up on one elbow and said, Janet, that you?

Employers Lingo:

COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employees Lingo:

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE Ive changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO Im never at my desk.

IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.

WHY ? ……

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

7. Why does fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

8. Why do tug boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game when we are already there?

10. Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it call after dark when it really is after light ?

12. Doesnt expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

14. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

15. Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Una pareja fue a un pozo de los deseos. El marido se inclinó, pidió un deseo en silencio, y tiró una moneda.

Siguió el turno de la esposa, pero cuando ella se inclinó sobre el borde del pozo, perdió el equilibrio y cayó. El marido estaba sorprendido, pero después sonrió y dijo, ¡Caramba, realmente funciona!

A un recién graduado de la escuela de pilotos de Miami lo ponen de copiloto en un viaje a San Juan. Cuando el vuelo va a mitad de camino, le da un ataque al corazon al piloto y se muere. El copiloto coge el microfono y llama a la torre de control.

Vuelo 201 a la torre de control.

Adelante vuelo 201.

Chico mira, te habla el copiloto, al piloto le dio un ataque al corazón y está muerto, y este es mi primer viaje y no se como aterrizar el avión.

No se preocupe, usted digame altura y posición y nosotros lo haremos desde aquí por el piloto automático.

YO MIDO 5,7 Y ESTOY SENTADO AL LADO DEL PILOTO MUERTO.

Alternative Medical Terms

————————- Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.

Artery…………….The study of paintings.

Bacteria…………..Back door to cafeteria.

Barium…………….What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section……A neighborhood in Rome.

Cat scan……………Searching for kitty.

Cauterize………….Made eye contact with her.

Colic……………..A sheep dog.

Coma………………A punctuation mark.

D & C……………..Where Washington is.

Dilate…………….To live long.

Enema……………..Not a friend.

Fester…………….Quicker than someone else.

Fibula…………….A small lie.

Genital……………Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series………..World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail…………..What you hang your coat on.

Impotent…………..Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain…………Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff………A Doctors cane.

Morbid…………….A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates…………..Cheaper than day rates.

Node………………Was aware of

Outpatient…. …….A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear….. …….A fatherhood test.

Pelvis…………….Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative……..A letter carrier.

Recovery Room………Place to do upholstery.

Rectum…………….Darn near killed him.

Secretion………….Hiding something.

Seizure……………Roman emperor.

Tablet…………….A small table.

Terminal Illness……Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor……………..More than one.

Urine……………..Opposite of youre out.

Varicose…………..Near by/close by.

Vein………………Conceited.

A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for 7 years. Then they could only say 2 words. The first 7 years passed and they went into a small room. His 2 words were too cold.

The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were bad food.



The next 7 years passed and they took him back into the small room and his 2 words were I quit.



Good they said, all you have done is complain.

Top 10 Things Not to say to a Cop when you are PULLED OVER:

10. Back off Barney, Ive got a piece.

9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?

8. I know I was weaving, but I cant find the Honeycomb Hideout!

7. On the way to the station lets get a twelve pack.

6. Youll never get those cuffs on me…You Wimp!

5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

4. Hey, wasnt your daughter a pork queen?

3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?



And the Number One Thing You Shouldnt Say to a Cop:



1. Im surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!

Bigfoot has been spotted.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.