Old and New Jokes

Q: How many real men does it take to open a can of beer?

A: None. A real man has his woman properly trained so that she knows to open the beer before bringing it to him.

I recently noticed a similarity between my wife and M-TV.

They both get turned on about once a month and after about
15 minutes, Ive had enough.

Theres these three guys, best friends since childhood. One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that hes getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring hes gay.

Damn, his friends say, you know that youre probably going to get AIDS and die!

Hey, Ill take my chances, he says. I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!

Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As hes lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.

Guys, he gasps, youve got to promise me one last thing.

Sure, say his mates. What can we do for you?

When Im dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find? he asks. And will you make sure somethings written on it that everyone will remember me for?

They promise him, and with one final gasp, he passed away. But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:

Ashes To Ashes,

Dust To Dust,

If Youd Stuck To Pussy,

Youd Still Be With Us.

The following story is said to be true:

More than two centuries ago a famous astronomer Charles Messier lived in France. He was a keen comet hunter, he discovered many of them. (The astronomers know Messiers catalogue of nebulous objects which is still used.) He had a competitor (also French) who also discovered a lot of comets.

One night Messier could not go to his observatory as his wife was dying. Two things happened during the night: Messiers competitor managed to discover a new comet and Messiers wife died.

When Messiers friends got to know of the death of Mrs Messier they came to express their sympathy to the astronomer who replied: It is a great loss for me. And imagine that on the top of it my wife is dead.

There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert. All of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up this hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave… Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! and then listened very closely until he heard the answer…Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.

No, said the other Indian. It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you. Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! When he heard the return, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!, off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Polock started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, Man! Look at the size of that cave! Its bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave! Well… he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo! He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.

The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read: NAKED POLOCK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, Ill bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.

Bartender: Yeah! Sure…go ahead.

Man: What covers a house?

Dog: Roof!

Man: How does sandpaper feel?

Dog: Rough!

Man: Who was the greatest ball player of all time?

Dog: Ruth!

Man: Pay up. I told you he could talk.

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, or is the greatest player Mantle?

What is the French word for dentures?

APERITIF

A glimpse into our future…

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Gray Hair



A senior citizen decided to visit the social security office to sign up for his benefits. Upon his arrival the clerk asked for proof of his age. When he reached for his wallet the embarrassed man realized he had left it home. After explaining his problem to the clerk, she replied, Dont worry, just open your shirt, and if your chest hair is gray you will qualify. The senior citizen opened up his shirt and was soon signed up for his benefits.



Upon arriving home, he related the story to his wife. She looked at him, smiled and said, Too bad you didnt drop your pants. You would have qualified for disability too!

Q: Whats the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches.