Old and New Jokes

Seems that there was a noted gardener who was famous for his wonderful tomato plants. As would happen, one day a young lady asked him his secret for success. He replied that each morning he went out to his tomato plants with nothing on but a robe. He would stand in front of them and flash them. He suggested that she try his method.

A few weeks passed before they again met, and being the gentleman he was, he inquired as to her success. She replied that nothing had happened to her tomato plants, but that he should come and see her cucumbers!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but, Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars….following him.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the  rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the  bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah sir, youve come back for the rest of the story,  says  the owner.

No, says the tourist, I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!

Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

____ Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
____ The cat is on Valium.
____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
____ Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
____ You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people wont know you are online again.
Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL.
Three words: Carpal tunnel syndrome.
You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer.
You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Dominos.
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences …
You find yourself lying to others about your time online and when they complain that your phone was busy, you claim it was off the hook.
You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (another all-night online session).
You wont work at a job that doesnt have a modem involved.
You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 words per minute.
You have withdrawls if you are away from a machine for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer when you log on.
You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one youve had.
You type faster than you think.
You want to be buried with your computer when it dies … or vice versa.

Q: What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

Q: Whats the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.

El marido, muy canchero, le dice a la mujer que otra vez tiene una partida de póquer con Julio. La mina, muy podrida por los engaños, le jura que si lo pesca en otra mentira cuando este dormido se lo corta.

El tipo jura que es inocente, pero igual espera a que la bruja se duerma para salir de trampa. Cuando vuelve, se duerme como un animal. La mujer aprovecha y con un tramontina se lo corta de un saque. La esposa, con una crisis histérica, a lo único que atina es a agarrar el auto y salir a toda velocidad a la ruta.

Cuando reacciona, decide tirar el noble pene por la ventanilla con todas sus fuerzas. Detrás de la mina venían dos borrachos en un ratrejero piojoso y con tan mala suerte, que el miembro se estrella contra el parabrisas y se lo enchastra todo; el borrachín que manejaba le comenta al otro:

¡Che, cacho, qué pijuda que vienen las mariposas!

Suicidal blonde

A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.

She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.

Two guys come over and say, Are you trying to kill yourself?

The blonde replies, Yes, I am.

One of the men says, Then shouldnt you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?

The blonde says, I tried that, but I couldnt breathe.

Yo mama so old I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off.