Old and New Jokes

Something for all the animal lovers. 🙂

Accurately telling the weather is an ongoing challenge. Here is a sure-fire method guaranteed to produce consistent results if followed faithfully:

Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, its probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dogs fur looks like its been rubbed the wrong way, its probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, its probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great
time, when one of them realized she hadnt heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in
fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, What the hecks going on up here? Were having a great time downstairs! One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered….. YEAH, BUT YOUVE GOT A DRIVER

A chemist, a mechanical engineer and a computer scientist are passing through a vast desert in a car when suddenly the engine breaks down.

There must have been some sudden increase of enthalpy in the cylinder, the chemist says.

Nonsense, the fan-belt has broken, the engineer replies.

After thinking a while the computer scientist suggests: Lets get out and in again, that should do.

Theres these three guys, best friends since childhood. One of them is dating an absolutely stunning babe, and is always bragging to his buddies about the sex they have. Then one day, for who knows what reason, the guy decides that hes getting tired of the lovely lady, he needs some new thrills in his life, and pulls a complete 180, declaring hes gay.

Damn, his friends say, you know that youre probably going to get AIDS and die!

Hey, Ill take my chances, he says. I just needed some kind of change, and wow, did I find it!

Well, to make a long story short, in a couple years he indeed contracts AIDS, and is told he only has a few months left. As hes lying on his death-bed, he calls his old friends together one last time.

Guys, he gasps, youve got to promise me one last thing.

Sure, say his mates. What can we do for you?

When Im dead and buried, will you make sure I have the nicest tombstone you can find? he asks. And will you make sure somethings written on it that everyone will remember me for?

They promise him, and with one final gasp, he passed away. But remembering their promise, his friends found a beautiful granite stone, and had it engraved:

Ashes To Ashes,

Dust To Dust,

If Youd Stuck To Pussy,

Youd Still Be With Us.

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? she asked.

Theyre mating, her father replied.

What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? she asked.

Thats a daddy longlegs. her father answered.

So, the other one is a mommy longlegs? the little girl asked.

No, her father replied. Both of them are daddy longlegs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. Well, were not having THAT sort of shit in our garden.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Passion!
Passion who?
Passion through and I thought Id say hello!

A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a WW. Not knowing what that was, he asked the blonde what it was and she told him a White Wine. So he gave her some white wine.

Another blonde walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a RW. Again not knowing what it was, he asked the blonde. She told him it was a Red Wine. So he gave her some red wine.

Then a 3rd blonde walks into the bar, and asks the bartender for a Double7. Very confused, the bartender asks what that is. And the blonde says, Duuuh! 15!.

A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; its fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, Man, have you got anything to drink? The other one says, Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz. So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover hes going to have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!

The phone rings and its his buddy. The buddy says, Hey how are you feeling this morning? Im actually feeling really good! The buddy says, Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover…we ought to do this more often!

Yeah, we could but theres just one thing…. Whats that? Did you fart yet? No…Why? Well, DONT, cause Im in PHOENIX!

Two men are in a bar on the 23rd floor of a building.One man says to the other There is something really strange about the air currents outside that window. The other man looks and saysLooks like a normal window to me. Well its not, just watch!, and he jumps out the window! He falls a good 10 feet and then miraculously, he is floating in mid-air right outside the window!The other man is astounded! When he comes back inside the other man can not believe what he has seen,so he decides to try it himself. He steps outside and falls to his death!The first man walks back to the bar and sits down,and the bartender says to him You know youre a real jerk when youre drunk Superman!

A mother enters her daughters bedroom and sees a an envelope with Mom written on it lying on the bed. In great trepidation, she tears open the envelope and reads the enclosed letter, her heart in her shoes.

Dearest Mom:

I am so happy; I have eloped with my boyfriend. I have found real passion and he is so nice, with his piercing and special tattoos, especially the one with my name in a heart! I just love his big motorcycle, but its not only that.

Mom, Im sort of pregnant and Yaqui (thats Swahili for Warrior Prince) said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and thats one of my dreams. Ive learned that marijuana doesnt really hurt anyone, so well be growing it for ourselves and Yaquis friends, who will swap for all the cocaine and ecstasy drugs we want. In the meantime, well pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Yaqui to get better.

Dont worry about me, Mom, Im 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day Ill visit for you to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Melissa Louise

PS: Hey, Mom, dont freak, none of this is true. Im at Judys house. I just wanted to show you there are lots worse things in life than the report card in my desk drawer . . . Love you, Missy