24
Aug

Watch real baseball

Top Ten Signs youre Not Watching a Real Baseball Team

From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995

You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier.

Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

They keep shouting Do over!

When umpire yells, Strike 3! batter looks at him as if the dudes speaking French.

Try as they might, they just cant scratch themselves like professionals.

First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts Dinner time!

Players constantly adjusting each others cups.

You overheard the coach yelling, Run, Forrest, run!

They play like the Mets.

24
Aug

Yo momma so fat

Yo mommas so fat even her cloths have stretch marks

24
Aug

Bad News…

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: The man who comes to visit your wife every night didnt show up yesterday…

24
Aug

Why Birds Fly South

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because its too far to walk!

24
Aug

Never There

Why dont most women ever tell their husbands when theyre really enjoying sex?

Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

24
Aug

Commercial for detergent/contraceptive

[Scene of two women sitting in a kitchen arguing.]

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Woman One: Its a detergent.

Woman Two: Its a contraceptive.

Anouncer: Your both right! New Earstide is both a detergent AND a
contraceptive!

[Scene changes to faceless woman doing laundry. Before and
after scenes show clothes coming out of the wash spotless.]

Earstide can get even the toughest stains out! Look how it completely
removes dried in food stains, grass stains, caked in mud, and even blood
stains.

[Charts are now shown.]

But thats not all! Earstide has also shown to be 95 percent effective
contraceptive.
How can Earstide do all these great things? Because Earstide is made
from real protein, and protein gets out protein!

[Scene goes back to kitchen with same two women.]

Woman One: Gee, Id prefer Earstide to filling my body with hormones.

Woman Two: And it gets the sheets so clean…

24
Aug

Blondes boss having a heart attack

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day shed had at work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

How horrible said the friend, what did you do?

The blonde replies, Well there was nothing I could do, he kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldnt tell me the rest of the numbers!

24
Aug

Men!!! Who needs um?

Dude, why did God invent man?
Because a vibrator cant mow the lawn!

24
Aug

La maestra da la clase

La maestra da la clase sobre invertebrados. Al terminar, pregunta a los alumnos:

Juanita, ¿cuál es el invertebrado más diminuto que conoces?

La oruga, maestra.

Muy bien, Juanita.

Y así, continúa con los demás alumnos, hasta que le toca el turno al niño sabelotodo del salón, el típico con lentes, calculadora científica en el bolsillo, corbata y toda la cosa.

A ver, Salomón, ¿menciona un invertebrado pequeñísimo que conozcas?

Se para el chiquillo al lado de su banca y con voz erudita dice:

El invertebrado más diminuto que conozco es la fafarafa, maestra.

De momento, la maestra se queda pasmada (como era el niño sabio, no sabía si desmentirlo o qué).

Salomón, ¿podrías explicarnos que es la fafarafa?

Sí, maestra. La fafarafa es un pequeño animal que habita en la cabeza, sobre los huesos occipitales, y se alimenta de células muertas que caen sobre la cabeza, lo que comúnmente confundimos con polvo o tierra.

La profesora se queda aún más estupefacta. Al fondo del salón, Pepito ve su oportunidad.

Ora si me lo chingo, piensa felizmente mientras levanta la mano.

Yo, maestra, yo.

Sí, Pepito, ¿cuál es el invertebrado más diminuto que conoces.

El feferefe, maestra.

¿Podrías explicarnos que es eso?

Claro, maestra. El feferefe es un animal pequeño que habita sobre los huesos occipitales de la cabeza y se alimenta de polvo o tierra. A diferencia de la fafarafa, el feferefe tiene un fifirifi para meterlo al fufurufu de la fafarafa.

23
Aug

Knock Knock Whos there? Fiona! Fiona who? Fiona lookout

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fiona!
Fiona who?
Fiona lookout for Mum & Dad