Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.""Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!""Oh Jack," she responded, "its only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!"Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!"
Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
Sale un borracho de un bar, arrastrándose por el suelo. Va por la calle y sigue arrastrándose. Cuando llega a casa se arrastra por el pasillo. Entra en su habitación y se arrastra hasta su cama. Se acuesta como puede y se duerme en seguida. A la mañana siguiente su mujer le dice:
¡Vaya borrachera la de ayer!
Yo no…
No lo niegues. Acaban de llamar del bar diciendo que te olvidaste la silla de ruedas.
Una chica va a confesarse. Pues verá, me acuso de que… bueno… es que mi novio es un hijo de puta y el otro dÃa…
El cura la interrumpe y dice: ¡Pero chica ! ¡Como llamas hijo de puta a tu novio! ¿Que os ha pasado?
Pues es que el otro dÃa me cogió la mano.
El cura la coge la mano y la dice: Pero mira, yo también te cojo la mano y no soy ningún hijo de puta.
Si, bueno… pero es que mi novio después me tocó las tetas.
El cura la toca las tetas y la dice: Mira, yo te estoy tocando las tetas pero no soy un hijo de puta.
SÃ, pero es que mi novio además me hizo el amor.
El cura se la tira y luego la dice: Pues mira, yo también te he hecho el amor y no soy ningún hijo de puta.
SÃ, pero es que mi novio tiene el SIDA.
!!!Que hijo de puta!!!
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?
If you get in my way, Ill kill you!
– ideal project manager
If you get in my way, youll kill me!
– somewhat less than ideal project manager
If I get in my way, Ill kill you!
– somewhat misguided project manager
If I get in your way, Ill kill you!
– A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)
If get kill in will way I you.
– dyslexic, functionally illiterate project
manager
I am the way! Kill me if you can!
– messianic project manager
Get away, Ill kill us all!
– suicidal project manager
If you kill me, Ill get in your way.
– thoughtful but ineffective project manager
If I kill you, Ill get in your way.
– project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious
If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.
– project manager from New York
I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so
no one will get killed.
– project manager who is about to get in big trouble
If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?
– weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager
If I kill me, youll get your way.
– pragmatic project manager
Kill me, its the only way.
– every project manager to date.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, boasts Gates, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour, says Gates.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50, he continues.
In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
– He got his gas bill
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So — youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.
The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.
The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any? The rabbi replies, No . . . I think Ill wait for the police.
So I said Hey man, thats my beer.
Then he says, No man, thats my beer.
Then the beers say, No man, were are own beers.
Thats when we realized we had too many beers.