Old and New Jokes

A hillbilly was going to send his boy to school and was discussing with the principal what courses he should take.

The principal was talking about math courses and suggested he would probably later on take geometry and trigonometry.

The hillbilly heard this and said Great! Be sure and give him lots of that there triggernometry! Hes got to be the worst shot with a rifle of anybody I have ever seen

En el colegio la profesora les dice a sus alumnos: hoy haremos ejercicios de comparación.

A ver Juanito, un ejemplo de algo malo que se convierta en algo peor

Algo malo: tener fiebre; algo peor: morirse de esa fiebre.

Tú Oscarito.

Algo malo profesora: mojarse con la lluvia; algo peor: que te dé neumonía por haberte mojado.

¿Y tú Pepito?

Algo malo maestra: que te obliguen a agacharte y te metan un paraguas por el culo; algo peor: que teniendo el paraguas dentro del culo ¡lo abran!

¿Cansado de ejercicios abstractos sobre cálculos de vectores y planos en el espacio?

Prueba un poco de álgebra con ejemplos realmente prácticos y descubre una nueva manera de ejercitar tus neuronas.

Enunciado:

Una madre es 21 años mayor que su hijo y en 6 años el niño será 5 veces menor que ella.

Pregunta:

¿Dónde está el padre?

Esta tarea se puede solucionar, no es tan difícil como parece. ¡No mires la solución! Hay que hacer cuentas primero.

NOTA: Hay que poner mucha atención a la pregunta: ¿Dónde está el padre?

Solución:

El niño tiene hoy X años y su madre tiene hoy Y años. Sabemos que la madre es 21 años mayor que el hijo. Entonces:

X + 21 = Y

Sabemos que en 6 años el niño será 5 veces menor que su madre. Por lo que podemos deducir la siguiente ecuación:

5 (X+6) = Y+6

Reemplazamos Y por X + 21 y procedemos a despejar:

5 (X+6) = X + 21 + 6

5X + 30 = X + 27

5X – X = 27 – 30

4X = -3

X = -3/4

El ni̱o tiene hoy Р3/4 de a̱o, lo que es igual a menos 9 meses.

Matemáticamente hemos logrado demostrar que a la madre, en este momento, le están haciendo el amor.

Resultado:

El padre está encima de la madre.

¡FÁCIL!

Monica Lewinsky told Bill Clinton in the Oval Office that the ceiling
needs to be painted.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35, was the reply. Im actually 47, the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, Oh, you look about 29. I am actually 47. Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age. As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, Okay, its done. You are 47. Stunned, the man says, That was brilliant. How did you do that? The old lady replies, I was behind you at McDonalds.

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.

1. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other.

3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.

4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.

5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, I cant believe you stopped me. This town must be the asshole of the world!

The magistrate looked at him and replied, And you must be whats passing through.

And now a parable relating to graduate work: THE RABBIT: A FABLE

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, so a fox sneaked up to her and caught her.

I am going to eat you for lunch!, said the fox.

Wait!, replied the rabbit, You should at least wait a few days.

Oh yeah? Why should I wait?

Well, I am just finishing my Ph.D. thesis.

Hah, thats a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?

I am writing my thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.

Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit.

Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch.

You are really crazy! But since the fox was curious and nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back out.

A few days later, the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.

Wait!, yelled the rabbit,You cannot eat me right now.

And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?

I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.

The wolf laughed so heard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. Maybe I shouldnt eat you, you really are sick in the head, you might have something contagious, the wolf opined.

Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions. So the wolf went to the rabbits hole and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, Whats up? You seem to be very happy..

Yup, I just finished my dissertation.

Congratulations! What is it about?

It is titled The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves

Are you sure? That doesnt sound right.

Oh yes, you should come over and read it for yourself.

So they went together to the rabbits hole. As they went in, the friend saw a typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis.

The computer with the the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a large, lip-licking lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your dissertation doesnt matter.

All that matters is who your thesis advisor is.

Can we count them with our nose?

Can we count them with our toes?

Should we count them with a band?

Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,

I will simply throw them out.

I will not let this vote count stand.

I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?

Can we change them, calm my fears?

What do you mean, Dubya has won?

This is not fair, this is not fun.

Lets count them upside down this time.

Lets count until the state is mine.

I will not let this vote count stand.

I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

Im really ticked, Im in a snit.

You have not heard the last of it.

Ill count the ballots one by one.

And hold each one up to the sun.

Ill count, recount, and count some more.

Youll grow to hate this little chore.

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.

I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I wont leave office, Im stayin here.

Ive glued my desk chair to my rear.

Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,

all telling me that I should sue.

We find the Electoral College vile.

Re-count the votes until I smile.

We do not want this vote to stand.

We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I had skylights installed at my place the other day…the people

that live upstairs are really mad!