Old and New Jokes

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.

Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says, I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.

The black guy says, Man, thats nothin. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.

The Jewish guy chimes in, I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. Shes still screaming!

Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadnt been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didnt burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; thats probably why he cant get insurance on it. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldnt let me because I cant swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees und

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brothers son?

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldnt have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, hurrah.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Yo mama teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!

I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash, the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?

Everything but my earrings, she purred.

Q: How many preservation society members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, but it takes a year to find an antique Edison lightbulb so itll be aesthetically accurate.

It was Palm Sunday, and the familys 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as he walked by.

Wouldnt you know it, the boy fumed. The one Sunday I dont go to church, and Jesus shows up!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Una vez contrataron a una cuadrilla de trabajadores en Tontilndia para pintar la línea blanca en la autopista de cuatro carriles. El primer día rindieron 10 Km., el segundo día 5 Km., el tercero 3Km., el cuarto 1Km. Entonces el encargado de la obra no aguantó más y les preguntó:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?, habían empezado muy bién y bajaron muchísimo su rendimiento.

¡Pues claro! ¡Cada día nos queda más lejos el bote de pintura.

Llega la maestra ante el director toda descompuesta y chilla:

No trabajo un día más acá, ¡RENUNCIO!

¿Por qué, si usted es nuestra mejor maestra?, pregunta el director.

Es que no soporto al alumno Jaimito, siempre me sale con una grosería y ya no sé que hacer con él…

No se preocupe, ahora que vienen los exámenes pongámosle una trampa para poder botarlo del colegio.

Se ponen de acuerdo y la maestra esboza una sonrisa diciendo para sus adentros:

Te jodiste, Jaimito, de ésta no te escapas.

Llega el día del examen y la profesora les informa a los alumnos:

Bien, niños, hoy vamos a hacer un examen diferente: yo les escribiré un número en la pizarra y ustedes a través de una canción harán la suma y me darán el resultado, ¿estamos claros?

Sí, sí, contestan todos.

A ver, Luisito, pase usted.

Y la maestra escribe el número 16 en la pizarra.

Tienes 10 segundos para contestar.

¡Maestra, lo tengo!

Dame la respuesta.

2 y 2 son 4, 4 y 2 son 6, 6 y 2 son 8, y 8 16.

Muy bien.

Todos los niños aplauden.

A ver, Juanito.

Diga, maestra.

La maestra escribe el número 60.

Nuevamente comienza el tic- tac… Y a los 7 segundos exclama Juanito:

Maestra, lo tengo.

Dime, Juanito.

Y Juanito comienza a cantar una canción de José José: 40 y 20, 40 y 20…

Muy bien, le felicita la profesora y todos los niños aplauden.

Le toca el turno a Jaimito y la maestra, con una sonrisota y cara de sobrada, piensa:

Ahora si te JODISTE, y le escribe el 23 en la pizarra.

Comienza el tic- tac y Jaimito piensa:

¡Mierda, esta vaina está muy jodida!

Tic- tac… Y a los 9 segundos pregunta Jaimito:

Maestra, ¿puedo rapear?

¿Rapear?, pregunta la maestra.

Y los demás niños gritan:

¡Que rapee, que rapee, que rapee…!

Bien, acepta la maestra.

Y comienza Jaimito:

Tchum tiquitachum tum… to toto, la maestra del coño me vino a joder, con una sumatoria que debo resolver: Los dedos de mis manos, los dedos de mis pies, el palo y las dos bolas… ¡Suman veintitrés!

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, Ill get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, Ill get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: Youre probably right…get up and get your own blanket.