Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
You play golf?! asks Jack.
Stevie says, Yes, I have been playing for years.
But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind? Jack asks.
I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice, explains Stevie.
But how do you putt? Nicklaus wondered.
Well, says Stevie, I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.
Nicklaus says, What is your handicap?
Well, I play off scratch, Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, We must play a game sometime.
Wonder replies, Well, people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, OK, Im up for that. When would you like to play?
Stevie replies I dont care – any night next week is OK with me.
Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.
All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.
Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.
End of story.
——————————————————————————–The Non-Stress DietThis diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up during the day.Breakfast1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim MilkLunch4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo CookieMid-Afternoon SnackRest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped CreamDinnerLoaves of Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars Rules For This Diet1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories dont count as long as you dont eat more than they do.4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of ones personal fuel. Example: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on a spoon.10. Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.11. Chocolate is a uni
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that werent curses were to say the least, rude.Mary tried to change the birds attitude by constantly saying polite things. Words and playing soft music…anything she could think of. Nothing worked.She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Marys extended arm and said:Im very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior and I am sure it will never happen again.Mary was astounded at the changes in the birds attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, May I ask what the chicken did?
Q: Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?
A: Her dog is blind also.
Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.
Q: Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?
A: She needed the other hand to moan.
Q: What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?
A: She screamed her hands off!
Youve seen the Helen Keller doll?
Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.
Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the mens room and the ladies room?
She feels her way around.
Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
A: Answering the iron.
Q: How did she burn her other ear?
A: They called back.
Q: Why did Helen Kellers dog run away?
A: Youd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw.
(make strange noise)
Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?
So her friends could read her lips.
How did Helen Keller break her hand?
Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.
HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?
ANSWER: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!
How did Helen Keller drive her car?
One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
On a blind date!
Whats Helen Kellers idea of oral sex?
A Manicure.
How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
Answering the stapler.
What was Helen Kellers favorite color?
Velcro.
Why didnt Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?
She was wearing gloves.
What was Helen Kellers speech impediment?
Calluses.
How did Helen Kellers teachers punish her for talking in class?
They made her wear mittens.
Why didnt Helen Keller change her babys diaper?
So she could always find him.
Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.
How did Helen Keller go crazy?
Trying to read the stucco walls.
How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
She shouted hysterically.
Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?
It was hell on the seeing eye dog!
What goes (CLICK is that it? CLICK is that it? CLICK is that it?)?
Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.
Seen Stevie Wonders new video?
He hasnt either.
The captain of a Syrian Air Force transport flying over the Mediterranean
sends out a MAYDAY message:
This is Syrian Air Force # 174 announcing we have lost one engine and want to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!
No answer.
A while later he announces, This is Syrian Air Force # 174 again. We have now lost two engines and need to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!
Silence.
A short while later the captain announces, This is Syrian Air Force #174.
We are desperate. We have now lost THREE engines an urgently ask permission to land at any airport in the Middle East OTHER than Israel!
Still no answer.
Finally the captain calls out, Help! This is Syrian Air Force #174. We have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Middle East
INCLUDING Israel!
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian cockpit:
Shalom Syrian Air Force # 174. This is Tel Aviv approach control. We would like to help.
Allah be praised, says the Syrian pilot. Please give me instructions.
Do you speak Hebrew?
No
OK, then repeat after me: Yisgadal Viyiskadash Shimay Rabbah……
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound mind
and fairly good body, agrees
to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE:
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the
first date or match up), each party grees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange, political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been
terminated. Further each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
mother/father/brother/sister complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets,
careers, or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will
result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has
a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison
(colloquially referred to as the matchmaker) blameless in the event the
fix-up turns out to be a real loser or psycho bitch.
(For definition of real loser, see John DeLorean: My Story, available
at most bookstores; George Hamilton at one of Imelda Marcos parties; or
any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse. For
definition of psycho bitch, see Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, or
Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first fix-up both parties
mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said
dating: For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say
they are going out. (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days said parties may say
they are seeing somebody and may be referred to by third parties as
an item. Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date
either member may elect to use the terms girl/ boyfriend or lover and
their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as a couple. Under no
circumstances are the phrases my better half, the little woman, the
old ball and chain, or my old man/lady acceptable. Further, if both
members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded up; however,
if either party gets too serious and disregards this schedule, the
other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of moving too
fast and may once again be said to be on the market.
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions
about the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday
periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties
agree they have no rights or holds on the others time. Following the
first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be
missing in action without explanation, the wounded party agrees to
give up.
5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be
overly considerate of the others work pressures, schedules, and business
ambitions. A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between
the two parties during the working day, and each party will attempt – with
best efforts – to originate 50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the
first two weeks all dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours
in advance; there will be no running off in the middle of the night to
console an old girl/boyfriend, and both parties agree to strike the phrase
but he/she needs me from their vocabulary. Further, during the
first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt at
least one spontaneous home cooked meal and will arrange the delivery of
at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five
(45) days both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that – respective gross income aside – we will pick up the
tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, this is ridiculous, you pay!.
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom,
which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at
the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as Why do I bother to keep my
own apartment?):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the
time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both
sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7: 30 in the
morning, and both agree to pick up after himself while in residence at the
other apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and
assisting with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect
his right to keep his apartment a mess.)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the
other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like Lets move in together,
Why dont we start a family? and — using archaic terminology — Lets
get married. Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and
defend the other partys right not to meet his parents.
9. THE L WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase I
love you. They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party
to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the G word…
Gone.
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final
dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence My ex used to do that same thing;
(c) Suggesting – no matter how kindly – that the other member should seek help;
(d) ending any argument with the phrase My analyst thinks you are…; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents (or lack thereof)
of the other partys refrigerator.
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel
guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) Youll never find anybody better;
(b) Nobody could ever make you happy;
(c) Ill find somebody who can really appreciate me; and
(d) My analyst thinks you are…. (Psychosis to be filled in at
the proper time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes
notice before terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the
relationship appear to be on the rocks;
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts,
books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste
through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the others friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
The timing wasnt right;
He/She wanted more than I could give;
He/She was too involved in his/her career;
He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist.
13. ADDENDUM:
After the initial breakup – no matter what – both parties agree to give the
relationship one more shot.
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, Why do airplanes fly? on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
An american born Desi returned to India and hired a tourist cab for sight seeing. When taken to the Taj Mahal in Agra, he asked how many years it took to build it. The guide replied 20 years. The American desi remarked You guys are lazy, in America we can build some thing like this in 5 years. At Red Fort in Dehli he asked the same question. The guide reduced the period to impress him and said Ten years. Only ten years The American Desi retorted: Didn’t I say you guys are slow workers! In America we could have built it in 2 1/2 years. Same story everywhere. He admired the places but reduced the period to 1/4th. The guide got irritated by this young American Desi. Next day when they were near Qutab Minar the American Desi asked what is that tower? The guide replied I ‘ll have to go and find out. When I was passing by this side last evening there was nothing here.