Old and New Jokes

– 100 people who dont do dick!

Dont ya just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full of the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men? As a plain old country boy now living in the big city, I wanted to share the warmth and joy I felt with all these nice city folk.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate something to share with others, and while I couldnt find any with a Christmas theme, I saw a Honk if You Love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car; tell yall what, Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the upcoming Holidays and all, and didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because, he leaned out his window and even yelled, Jesus Christ!!! as loud as he could.

Others started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Luckily, I had just asked my two kids just the other week what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. What a joy to share.

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldnt hear him very well, but it sounded like, Mother trucker. How nice that that industry is finally accepting women drivers and all. What joyful times we live in.

Then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only one to get across the intersection. I looked back at them, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord. I drove on, my faith renewed for being able to share my Holiday joy with such wonderful folks.

Tell ya what yall. Until all this happened, I thought that City of Brotherly Love stuff was just that – stuff! May you all find ways to share and express the spirit of the season just like I did.

Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Another guy walks into a bar with a one foot man sitting on his shoulder.

He ordered a beer.

The bartender was curious as he got the beer for the guy, but as he put the beer down on the bar, before the gut could reach it, the little man lept off his shoulder and picked up the beer and dumped it in the guys lap.

The guy sighs and asks for a shot of whisky.

As soon as the glass hits the bar, the little man threw the drink in the guts face and smashed the shot glass against the wall.

I have to know…. where did you get that guy?

Well… Ill tell you… I was walking on the beach, saw a brass lamp, rubbed it, and a geenie came out. He said I could have one wish. I asked for a twelve inch prick and this is what I got…

A blonde was walking along the beach when she finds an old bottle floating in the water. The blonde goes over and picks it up and notices a cork in the top of the bottle. She pulls out the cork and a genie pops out.

Thankyou for letting me out after 10000 years, stuck in that bottle and to say thankyou I will give you 3 wishes.

The blonde thinks for a little while and finally decides on her first wish.

I would like to be 10% smarter

The genie does her magic and she is turned into a red head.

I dont think I am smart enough yet, I would like to be 100% smarter than what I am

So the Genie does her magic a second time and she turns in to a brunette.

I dont think I am smart enough yet I would like to be 1000% smarter than what I am

So the genie turns her into a man!

In a small town in the rural south, poor, fun-loving, good-ole-boy
Billy Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad, and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So, his two buddies, Jimmy Lee and Donnie Ray,
went down to the morgue.

Jimmy Lee went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jimmy Lee said Yep, hes burnt so bad, I cant tell from the front. Roll him over.

So the mortician rolled him over. Jimmy Lee took one look at his ass and
said Hell no, that aint Billy Bob.

The mortician didnt say anything but thought that was kind of
strange. Then he brought in Donnie Ray to identify. the body. Donnie Ray took a look at him and said Yup, hes burnt real bad, rollhim over.

The mortician rolled him over. Donnie Ray looked down at his ass and said
No, that aint Billy Bob.
The mortician said How can you tell? Donnie Ray said Well, Billy Bob had two assholes.
What? He had two assholes? asked the mortician.

Yep, everybody in town knew he had two assholes. Hell, every time we went
to town, somebody would shout out: Here comes Billy Bob with them
two
assholes!

Estaba un borracho afuera de su casa y le grita a su mujer:

Vieja, ábreme la puerta.

Y su mujer le responde: No porque vienes borracho, allí te vas a quedar afuera.

Entonces en tono molesto le dice:

Abre la puerta o la tumbo a patadas.

Y la respuesta de la mujer fue la misma, hasta que le dice en tono dulce pero morboso:

Viejita, si abres la muerta te voy a agarrar como a las lagartijas.

Entoces la mujer a bre la puerta y la pregunta:

¿Como las lagartijas, y cómo es eso?

Y le dice el borrachín:

¡A PEDRADAS!

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.



Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.



Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.



Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.



Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.



Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head.

A2: No. Good!



Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dung?

A: The bucket.



Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?

A: When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.



Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?

A: There was an empty seat.



Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you cant understand



Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.



Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery



Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.



Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.



Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.



Q:Where can you find a good lawyer?

A:In the city morgue.



A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked How much is 2+2? The housewife replies: Four!. The accountant says: I think its either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time. The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, How much do you want it to be?



A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day? Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor. Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie? Amie shyly stood up, scoffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman. Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy? Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays piano in a whore house. The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?