Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

Maybe you cant buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk do you live here? Yep. Would you like me to help you upstairs? Yep. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked Is this your floor? Yep.

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didnt want to face the mans irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk Do you live here? Yep. Would you like me to help you upstairs? Yep. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried Please officer, protect me from this man.

Hes been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!

What has 300 legs and seven teeth?

– The front row of a Willie Nelson concert

What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

The check is in your mouth
I wont come in the mail.

If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter half of
that ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

Clean rooms are boring.

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on
the deck of a ship watching war exercises. (OK, OK, so this is an old one..)
The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,
Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!

Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: Oh YEAH?

The Russian says, Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing
Atlantic) and swim around the ship!

Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns
around and says: See, theres an example of courage!

The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives
him the order:

Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship
seven times!

Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The
American General says: Now top that for courage!

So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around
watching these antics silently. They ask him: What about your people?

So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: Trevor, jump off the
mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?

Trevor stares at his general.

Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast.

Yes.

And swim under the keel

Yes.

You must be daft!

And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British
General turns to the other two and says,

Now theres an example of TRUE courage!

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

Whats wrong dearest?? asked the confused husband.

Oh darling, sobbed the wife, I was cleaning little Suzies room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???

Well, replied the man…

I guess a spanking is out of the question?

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.