Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?

A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony? A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.

Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the mens retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and saucily announces, Anyone who can guess whats in my hand, can make wild passionate love to me tonight!

A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, An elephant?

Bessie thinks a minute and replies, Close enough!

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last 600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, If I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to sends her sister a telegram. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word.

Interesting Appearance. Not Normal

I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I?
Ugly!

Just read in this mornings UPI newswires (Aug 18 1993) that Judge Walter Colbath has ordered Jerry Ericksonto quit eating poppyseed bagels or hell go to prison!

It seems Jerry is on probation for kidnapping and robbery, and one day he showed up for his probation meeting and tested positive for morphine … even though he swore he never touched the stuff! His doctor concluded the drug test may have picked up small traces of morphine from his breakfast that day – a poppyseed bagel!

So Palm Beach County Circuit Judge Walter Colbath on Tuesday allowed Jerry to remain on probation rather than to return to prison because the correction officials could not prove that hed used illegal drugs, but he ofered him to stop eating poppyseed bagels as a condition of parole.

Said Jerrys attorney, Dean Wilbur, regarding his job as a criminal defense lawyer, It continues to get weirder and weirder, the longer I do this!

So, just remember to say NO to bagels!

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Statisticians must stay away from childrens toys because they regress so easily.

Zen Masters dont need to screw in light bulbs because they
carry their own light with them.

German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing…

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.