I
take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage
last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant,
a little wine, good food… She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont
be reporting it. The thief spends less than my
wife did.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster,
electric bread maker. Then she said "There
are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where
are you going?" My wife said, "I must
be late, everyone is all coming back!"
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am
I too late for the garbage?" Following her
down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
She has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her pencil
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant and started to wonder if there were any Chinese Jews.
So, when the waiter came over to take his order, he asked, Pardon me, but Id like to know if there are any Chinese Jews?
The waiter said, I dont know. I will go to the kitchen and ask manager.
After taking his order, the waiter went to the
kitchen and returned in a few minutes.
He explained to the man, No. No Chinese Jews. We have orange Jews, tomato Jews, grape Jews, and pineapple Jews, but no Chinese Jews.
A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all. Money. A beautiful house. A big car. The love of a beautiful woman, then, pow! It was all gone! What happened? asked the friend. My wife found out.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Eunice!
Eunice who?
Eunice boy, let me in!
A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two lanes of traffic.
He walks up to the drivers window and asks, You drinkin?
The driver said, You buyin?
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded:
My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, Its gonna be great!
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldnt get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who cant, teach.
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasnt quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasnt sure whether it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, I know I have the product. Im just not sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!
So now I have married a lawyer, so I know Im going to get screwed!
Written by a Viet Nam Vet
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
In Memory of The Twin Towers
Warning song to Osama bin Laden
(the tune of Rawhide)
The devil came from nowhere
He attacked us from the sky.
He bloodied up our nation
didnt give a reason why.
Now hes placed a spear in our eye
said its done it Allahs name
So Gods coming lookin for him
And hes got himself to blame.
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Just go hidin in your hills
Youll be buried in your caves.
Youll get what youve got comin now
For being Satans slaves.
Youve woke the sleeping giant
From his legendary sleep
Now with open roar like lions
Theres one promise he will keep
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
So dont close your eyes a moment
Cause you surely see death there.
Dont waste your time in moanin
You just havent got a prayer.
You chose to terrify the world
with your sensely killing spree
Brought violence into our lives
Placed hate inside of me.
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
In this peaceful loving Nation
Home of brave and of the free
All are calling up your number
over land and over sea
We have seen the vileness in your soul
the horrors you create
Now this angry nations coming
look around were at your gate
No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go
For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.
Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought
And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.
Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.
A college student his mother and asked her for some money.
His mother said that she would send him money and mentioned that he had left his calculus book when when he visited two weeks ago and asked if she should send it too.
Uhh, oh yeah, o.k. Responded the student.
Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, How much did you give the boy this time?
Mom replied, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000.
Thats $1020! yelled Dad. Are you crazy?
Dont worry hon, Mum said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!
A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas! and orders a mug of beer.
He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas! and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.
Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, Where is your washroom??? The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.
So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.
The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams DONT FLUSH IT!!!