Old and New Jokes

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made Tickle me
Elmo dolls. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told
her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be
stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down
because one worker couldnt keep up. The boss went down the line to find the
problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a
bunch of dolls waiting for her.

Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, Lady, I said to give each
doll Two – Test – Tickles.

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I dont know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, and hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didnt want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldnt take that one either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So, I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki, son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class. The teacher
said, Lets begin by reviewing some American history.

The teached asked, Who said, Give me Liberty or give me Death? She
saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzukis.

Patrick Henry 1775, he said.

Very good! Who said …government of the people, by the people, for
the people, shall not perish from the earth?

Again, no response, except from Suzuki. Abraham Lincoln, 1863.

The teacher snapped, Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new
to our country, knows more about its history than you do.

She heard a loud whisper, Screw the Japs.

Who said that? she demanded.

Suzuki raised his hand, Lee Iacocca, 1982.

At that point a student said, Im gonna puke.

The teacher glared and asked, All right! Who said that?

Suzuki said, George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Furious, another student yelled, Oh yeah? Suck this!

Suzuki jumped up waving his hand and shouted, Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!

With near mob hysteria, someone screamed, You little shit. If you say
anything else, Ill kill you.

Suzuki yelled, Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.

At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.

One of the kids said, Oh shit, were in big trouble!

Suzuki said, Arthur Andersen, 2002.

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. What can I get you? the
bartender inquires.

I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.

6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?

Yeah, my first blowjob.

Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.

No offence, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He cant give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, Id love to eat some dog.

The second Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, HOT DOGS!

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, Which part of the dogs anatomy did YOU get?

Una niña de cinco años se encontraba llorando amargamente en una banqueta. Un señor, al percatarse del drama que estaba haciendo la niña, se acerca y le pregunta:

¿Oye, niña, por qué estás llorando? ¿Acaso estás perdida?

No, responde la chiquilla.

¿Alguien te pegó?, insiste el caballero.

No.

Entonces, ¿qué te pasa?

Es que ya no soy vidgen

¿Cómo que ya no eres virgen? ¿Qué diablos te hicieron?, demanda, con cara de asombro, el tipo.

Es que me sacaron de la pastodela.

Why is a lawyer worse than a tapeworm?

because a lawyer continues sucking you even when you are dead!

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.



One small boys reply went like this:



We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.



They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they dont do them very well.



There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they dont know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.



As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they cant get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they dont know who they are.



My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house wont let them out.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maria!
Maria who?
Maria me, I love you!