Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.

When youre 47 years old, you sometimes hear a small voice inside you that says: Just because youve reached middle age, that doesnt mean you shouldnt take on new challenges and seek new adventures. You get only one ride on this crazy carousel we call life, and by golly you should make the most of it.

This is the voice of Satan.

I know this because recently, on a mountain in Idaho, I listened to this voice, and as a result my body feels as though it has been used as a trampoline by the Budweiser Clydesdales.

I am currently on an all-painkiller diet. Ill have a black coffee and 250 Advil tablets is a typical breakfast order for me these days.

This is because I went snowboarding.

For those of you who, for whatever reason, such as a will to live, do not participate in downhill winter sports, I should explain that snowboarding is an activity that is popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

These are of course young people, fearless people, people with 100 percent synthetic bodies who can hurtle down a mountainside at 50 miles per hour and knock down mature trees with their faces and then spring to their feet and go, Cool.

People like my son. He wanted to try snowboarding, and I thought it would be good to learn with him, because we can no longer ski together.

We have a fundamental difference in technique: He skis via the Downhill Method, in which you ski down the hill; whereas I ski via the Breath-Catching Method, in which you stand sideways on the hill, looking as athletic as possible without actually moving muscles (this could cause you to start sliding down the hill).

If anybody asks if youre OK, you say, Im just catching my breath! in a tone of voice that suggests that at any moment youre going to swoop rapidly down the slope; whereas in fact youre planning to stay right where you are, rigid as a statue, until the spring thaw.

At night, when the Downhillers have all gone home, we Breath-Catchers will still be up there, clinging to the mountainside, chewing on our parkas for sustenance.

So I thought Id take a stab at snowboarding, which is quite different from skiing.

In skiing, you wear a total of two skis, or approximately one per foot, so you can sort of maintain your balance by moving your feet, plus you have poles that you can stab people with if they make fun of you at close range.

Whereas with snowboarding, all you get is one board, which is shaped like a giant tongue depressor and manufactured by the Institute of Extremely Slippery Things. Both of your feet are strapped firmly to this board, so that if you start to fall, you cant stick a foot out and catch yourself. You crash to the ground like a tree and lie there while skiers swoop past and deliberately spray snow on you.

Skiers hate snowboarders. Its a generational thing. Skiers are (and here I am generalizing) middle-aged Republicans wearing designer space suits; snowboarders are defiant young rebels wearing deliberately drab clothing that is baggy enough to cover the snowboarder plus a major appliance. Skiers like to glide down the slopes in a series of graceful arcs; snowboarders like to attack the mountain, slashing, spinning, tumbling, going backward, blasting through snowdrifts, leaping off cliffs, getting their noses pierced in midair, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

I took my snowboarding lesson in a small group led by a friend of mine named Brad Pearson, who also once talked me into jumping from a tall tree while attached only to a thin rope.

Brad took us up on a slope that offered ideal snow conditions for the novice whos going to fall a lot: Approximately seven flakes of powder on top of an 18-foot-thick base of reinforced concrete.

You could not dent this snow with a jackhammer. (I later learned, however, that you COULD dent it with the back of your head.)

We learned snowboarding via a two step method:

STEP ONE: Watching Brad do something.

STEP TWO: Trying to do it ourselves.

I was pretty good at Step One. The problem with Step Two was that you had to stand up on your snowboard, which turns out to be a violation of at least five important laws of physics.

Id struggle to my feet, and Id be wavering there and then the Physics Police would drop a huge chunk of gravity on me, and WHAM my body would hit the concrete snow, sometimes bouncing as much as a foot.

Keep your knees bent! Brad would yell, helpfully.

Have you noticed that whatever sport youre trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent? As if THAT would solve anything. I wanted to shout back, FORGET MY KNEES! DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE GRAVITY CHUNKS!

Needless to say my son had no trouble at all. None. In minutes he was cruising happily down the mountain; you could actually see his clothing getting baggier. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time lying on my back, groaning, while space-suited Republicans swooped past and sprayed snow on me.

If I hadnt gotten out of there, theyd have completely covered me; I now realize that the small hills you see on ski slopes are formed around the bodies of 47-year-olds who tried to learn snowboarding.

So I think, when my body heals, Ill go back to skiing. Maybe sometime youll see me out on the slopes, catching my breath. Please throw me some food.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. – A discussion that occurs when youre right, but he just hasnt realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. – What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. – You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he made the dinner.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. – Gotta get married in a church.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. – You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say focus … breathe … push …

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. – An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. – A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. – The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. – To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. – What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. – Someone who is able to create style you will never be able to duplicate again. See Magician.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. – Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isnt coming out anytime soon.

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. – On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!

Park (park) v./n. – Before children, a verb meaning to go somewhere and neck. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. – The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also tranquilizers.

Valentines Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. – A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. – Comes off if you cry, shower or swim but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Heard this on an NPR distinguished speaker lecture this afternoon:

This Christian was thrown into the ring with a lion. Terrified, he fell
on his knees and started praying. At the same time the lion dropped down
on its knees and started praying too. The Christian, overjoyed, exclaimed,
Thank God! Another Christian! To which the lion replied, I dont know
about you, but Im saying Grace.

Log On: Making a wood stove hot

Log Off: Too much wood on a fire

Monitor: Keepn an eye on the wood stove

Download: Gitten the farwood offn the truck

Megahertz: When yer not keerfull gitten the farwood

Floppy disc: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

Ram: That thar thang what splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whuts in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrixs wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mousepad: Thats hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Mainframe: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Northerner talk fer Cmon in yall

Click: What you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you have to go to the outhouse.

I found the following bit of humor in the March 1995 Readers Digest. Do any of you have laws youd like to add to the list?

THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW

By Richard Johnson

It seems that we have laws for everything but the stuff that can really get on our nerves. For instance, there oughta be a law to protect citizens from the airline passenger who maintains his seat in a fully reclined position while an in-flight meal is being served. So I propose that we start passing some much-needed legislation to crack down on the following offenses:

RESISTING A REST: Repeatedly disrupting an entire row of patrons at a theater or sports event by heading for refreshments, frequent rest-room visits and leg-stretching.

EUPHONIOUS ASSAULT: Playing the car radio at ear-splitting volume so the next driver is blasted into the back seat.

LANE SHARKING: Parking over two spaces in a crowded lot so that the adjacent space is rendered useless.

COFFEE-RIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Hurry-up restaurant employees who are too quick to bring your bill at the end of a meal.

VIOLATION OF INDIVIDUAL SWIVEL RIGHTS: Rotating a circular merchandise rack while another shopper is browsing on the other side.

BREAKING AND EXITING: Slipping away after dropping a bottle of pancake syrup while in an empty grocery-store aisle.

SORRY I MISSED HIMMEANOR: Intentionally returning unwanted phone calls when you know the party who called will be out.

KIDYAPPING: Failure to get off the subject of your children.

POLY-GAMEY: Attempting to watch two televised football games and a tennis tournament simultaneously on a Sunday afternoon by means of rapid-fire, remote-control channel surfing.

LABOR FRAUD: Politicians who roll up their sleeves only when posing for campaign photographs.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor! Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: Thats what theyre there for.P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect youre right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but shell be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.

Dos mujeres, de esas que los esposos no las sacan nunca, se pusieron de acuerdo para salir una noche a echar broma. Total que se fueron a un bar, se tomaron como diez cervezas cada una, y como a las 12 de la noche se regresaron.

En el camino una dice: Cono, me estoy orinando. Párate por aquí, por favor.

La tipa se para, con tan mala suerte que estan al lado de un cementerio. La que se estaba orinando se baja y se pone a orinar en una tumba, pero le da tanto miedo que en lo que termina sale apurada y deja las pantaletas.

Cuando llega, la otra le dice: Ahora tengo que ir yo a orinar, porque de esperarte me dieron ganas a mi tambien.

La tipa se baja, se sienta a orinar en otra tumba, y del miedo cuando termina se pone rápido todo y deja tambien las pantaletas.

Las tipas llegan a la casa y se acuestan. Al otro día, se encuentran los esposos de las mujeres, y uno le dice: No sé tu mujer, pero imaginate la parranda que se echaron, que mi mujer llegó anoche sin pantaletas a la casa.

Y el otro dice:

No joda, chico, eso no es nada. La mía llegó anoche sin pantaletas y con una cinta morada en el culo que decía: Recuerdo de todos tus amigos…