Old and New Jokes

This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he then takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. This is a nice place. Ive never been here before, the first guy says.

Oh really? the other replies, Its also a very special bar.

Why is that? the first guy asks.

Well, you see that painting on the far wall? Thats an original Van Gogh, and this stool Im sitting on was on the Titanic.

Gee, thats amazing! the first guy says.

Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, youll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and youre pushed back up.

No way, thats impossible, the first guy replies.

Not at all, take a look, the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.

See, its fun. You should try it, he says.

Try it? I dont even believe I saw it! the first man shouts.

Its easy. Watch, Ill do it again. And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh!…he comes right back up and sails back through the window.

Go ahead, give it a try, its a blast! he says.

Well, what the heck, OK…Ill give it a try, the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20… 30… 40… 50… 100 feet and THUMP!!!!… ends up with a broken arm and leg on the sidewalk below.

After calmly watching the first man fall, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk!

A: Data transfer.

Theres a group of teens walking through the forest, and they come upon a hole in the ground. They look down and notice how big it is, so one of them throws down a pebble… but they dont hear anything. So they throw down a bigger rock, but they still dont hear anything. So they all pushed a huge boulder into the hole, but still, they didnt hear anything… they finally found a train tie and pushed it into the hole when all of a sudden, a goat came running into the forest, bleated then jumped right into the hole. They all looked at each other totally confused remarking how wierd that was. Then a man came running out of the forest, and cried, have you seen my goat? he was tied to a train tie

Morris had just been hired as the new Director of a large high tech corporation. The Director who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes…#1, #2, #3. Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve, the departing Director said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but 6 months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, Blame your predecessor. Morris, the new Director, called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous Director. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the Director quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, Reorganize. This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, Prepare three envelopes.

As a little girl climbed onto Santas lap, Santa asked the usual, And what would you like for Christmas?

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: Didnt you get my E-mail?

When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.



In high school, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.



In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.



I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.



I found an exciting girl, but I couldnt keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.



Now all I want is a girl with large breasts!

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.



When they arrived at the counselors office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.



What seems to be the problem?

The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.



After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.



He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!



The husband scratched his head and replied…

I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

There were 3 guys on this island. They find a magic lamp and rub it. The Genie Comes out and says Ill grant you each one wish, so the first guy says I want to go home to my wife and my kids. So he goes back home. The second guy says well I also would like to go home to my wife and kids. So he goes back home. The third guy says well Im not really sure. 20 minutes later he comes back and says I know what I want! I want my 2 friends back!

There is never time to do it right, but theres always time to do it over.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?

A: By the buckle print on her forehead.