Old and New Jokes

A middle aged woman and her husband visit a disco, just to remember what
it used to be like. After a few dances they sit down at the side to
recuperate. After a few minutes, a man comes over and asks the woman to
dance. She is rather flattered and with an approving glance from her husband,
accepts the invitation.

Well, after a few minutes bopping, the man leans over to her and says,
You know, I think youre really good looking, could I kiss you, please?

The woman is rather taken aback and replies, Certainly not – Im a married
woman and thats my husband over there.

The music continues, and after another few minutes the man leans over
again and says, I really do think that youre the most attractive woman
Ive seen for ages, could I feel your tits, please?

By now the woman is getting angry, and replies,
Of course not, what sort of person do you think I am?

They continue dancing, and after a little while longer the man leans
over for a third time and says, I think youre so lovely that Id like
to turn you upside down, fill you with Guinness and drink it.

The woman is completely shocked, slaps the man in the face and goes back
to her husband. Do you know what that man wanted to do to me? she asked
him, he wanted to kiss me.

What?? exclaimed her husband.

And thats not all, he wanted to feel my tits as well she continued.

Husband gets up – Where is he? Ill show him, Ill knock his block off.

And theres more, said his wife. He wanted to turn me upside down,
fill me with Guinness and drink it.

Her husband immediately sits down again. What are you sitting down for?
she asked, I thought you were going to go and sort him out?

You must be joking, her husband replied. Im not messing with anyone
that can drink sixteen pints of Guinness!

(Told to me by a fellow performer…)

A famous film director, having died of late, arrives at the Pearly
Gates. He is greeted by St. Peter, who is delighted to see him.

Peter: Great! We were waiting for you! Gods making a movie, and we need a
director.

Director: No, no, no! I am done! I have been directing for thirty years, and
I want to rest. Eternally. Get someone else.

Peter: But you dont understand. We have a script by Shakespeare.

Dir: Sounds great…Ill see it opening night. I wont do it.

Peter: Our set design is a collaborative effort between Leonardo DaVinci and
M.C. Escher.

Dir: Well, I really do need some time off. Maybe next time.

Peter: Its a Bach score! Cmon, youve gotta do it!

Dir: You tempt me, Peter….

Peter: Heres the clincher: Youve got an open budget, a tech crew known for
getting stuff in early, and all the audition material you could dream
of.

Dir: Okay, okay. Ill do it. Wheres the stage manager?

Peter: Over there. But first, there is something I have to tell you. You
see, Gods got a girlfriend, like, and she sings….

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Manitoba!
Manitoba who?
Manitoba me hours to get out of here!

A boy went up to a teacher and asked to go to the restroom. She said for him to say his ABCs. He said, ABCDEFG,HIJKLMNO, QRS,TUV,WX,Yand Z.

So the teacher asked him, Wheres your P?

He said, Running down my pants!!!!!!!!!

Q: WHATS GROSSER THEN GROSS A:A GIRL DOING THE SPLITS AND STICKING TO THE FLOOR.

Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40 years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. – Lewis Lapham, in Money and Class in America (1988)

What do you call a black lady with braces?

– A Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker

If Olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The day before his wedding this guy decides to play a game of baseball with his buddies. Playing shortstop he gets hit in the penis with a line drive.

He goes to the doctor in a lot of pain, but the doctor tells him there is nothing he can do except wrap it up. So the doc takes a few tongue depressors and wraps it in a splint.

The next night on his honeymoon his lovely wife comes to him dressed in a nightgown. Taking down the top she shows him her breasts. She proudly says No man has ever touched these, I have been saving them for just you for tonight.

Surprised but not to be outdone, her new husband pulls down his pants and says, Look at this, honey, still in the crate.

This old couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the back porch when the
old lady reached over and knocked the old man out of his chair.

The old man got up, sat back down in his chair and said, What was that for?

The old lady said, That was for 50 years of bad sex.

A couple minutes later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady out of
her chair.

She got up and said, What was that for?

The old man said, Thats for knowing the difference.