Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonalds playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

Youve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you wont have to mow it.

Youre wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your drivers license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for childrens Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

Anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Your master bathroom has the words porta and potty written on the side.

You cant take a bath in the winter cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

You think Dueling Banjos is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon Generals Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

Youre 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

You think possum is the other white meat.

Your mom is so fat, I can get morning exercise by running around here!

Backup – What you do when you run across a varmint in the woods.

Bug – The reason you give for calling in sick to work.

Byte – What your pitbull done to cousin Billy-Bob.

Chip – Cow pasture surprises that you try not to step in.

Terminal – When yer about to die.

Crash – When you go to Jethros party uninvited.

Digital – The art of counting on yer fingers.

Diskette – Female who dances the disco.

Fax – What you lie about to the IRS and yer wife.

Hacker – Uncle Willie after 32 years of smoking.

Hardcopy – Picture used to help you select a tattoos.

Internet – Where cafeteria ladies put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to yer John Deere.

Mac – Big Johns favorite fast food.

Megahertz – How your head feels after 13 beers.

Modem – What you do when the grass gets so high that it hides the pickup truck that you have on blocks in the front yard.

Mouse Pad – Where Mickey and Minnie call home.

Network – Scoopin a big fish before it breaks yer line.

ROM – Where the pope lives.

Screen – Keeps mosquitoes outta yer trailer.

Serial Port – A red wine you drink with yer breakfast.

Superconductor – The guy who yells All Aboard the loudest at a train station.

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – What you call your two-week-old underwear.

Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.

A Jamaican guy gets stranded on a deserted island when he finds a lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he rubbed it, and POOF! A Genie appeared, a Jewish Genie.

Oy Vey!, exclaimed the Genie, Am I glad to be to there. Tree hundred years I been in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?

The Jamaican asked the Genie if he granted wishes.

Wishes, schmishes! Course I do. Ill grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins.

Well, said the Jamaican after some consideration, Id like to be white and surrounded by women.

No problem, said the Genie, and with a wave of his hand the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

MORAL : Never do business with a Jewish Genie. Theres always a string attached.

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

My name is Billy. Whats yours? asked the first boy.

Tommy, replied the second.

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living? asked Billy.

Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer.

Honest? asked Billy.

No, just the regular kind. replied Tommy.

A farmer and his wife went to a county fair and were fascinated by a barnstorming pilot who was offering rides for $25. The farmer had never seen a plane close up and he certainly had never ridden in one.

Ill tell you what, said the pilot, if you and your wife can ride in the plane with me and not utter a single sound during the whole ride, Ill let you ride for free. Otherwise, you pay. How about it?

The farmer agreed and soon they were in the air. The pilot was determined to make his passengers shriek in terror. He did loops and flips and everything else he could think of, but the two passengers sitting behind him never made a sound.

After the ride, as the farmer was climbing out of the plane, the young pilot told the old man, I really am surprised, but as I said, you ride for free. I cant believe that you managed to keep silent for the whole ride.

Yep, said the farmer, but it was pretty tough. I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.

Man was horrified. Only twenty years of normal sex life? but the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. But I dont need twenty years, he protested, ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly, Can I have the other ten? The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, Can I have the other ten? The lion said that of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years-but like the others, ten was sufficient-and again man pleaded, Can I have the other ten? The donkey said that yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with considerable pride:

I am drawing a picture of God.

But, grasped the shocked mother, you cannot do that. No one has seen God. No one knows how God looks.

Well, the little boy replied complacently, when I get through they will.

From: Jokes for All Occasions, 1921

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, Im sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.