Old and New Jokes

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning
of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling
loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things
at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes
quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by
squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize
the rythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white
substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the
opeing and some from its long, glistening shaft. After everything is done and
the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to
bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What Is This?

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than
your very own…

Toothbrush

What were you thinking?

Verraco: El que se tira un pedo estando purgado y sabiendo que se va a cagar.

Mentiroso: El que se tira un pedo sin olor.

Desgraciado: El que se tira un pedo y se caga.

Infeliz: El que no tiene fuerza para tirarse un pedo.

Estratega: El que disimula un pedo con tos.

Fotogénico: El que se tira un pedo ante un espejo.

Científico: El que se tira un pedo y lo embotella.

De mala fe: El que se tira un pedo y le echa la culpa al que está cerca.

Antisocial: Al que no le gustan los olores de los demás.

Pesimista: El que no se tira un pedo por miedo a cagarse.

Miserable: El que no se tira un pedo por miedo a que se le gaste el culo.

Impúdico: El que se tira un pedo duro y se caga de la risa.

Sinvergüenza: El que se tira un pedo en un velorio y le echa la culpa al muerto.

Amable: El que se encanta con los pedos de los demás.

Ruin: El que se tira un pedo en su casa y le pregunta a su mujer que quién se estará cagando.

Cortés: El que después de tirarse un pedo hediondo pide disculpas.

Ladrón: El que se tira un pedo y lo confunde con una alarma.

Era la hora del baño de los sábados del padre Juan. La joven hermana Magdalena había preparado las toallas y el agua para el baño, tal como la vieja sor María le había indicado. La hermana Magdalena había sido instruida para no mirar la desnudez del padre Juan, y si ella podía lo ayudaba en todo lo que fuere pedido y orara.

En la mañana siguiente la vieja sor María le preguntó a la hermana Magdalena como había sido el baño del sábado.

¡Oh hermana!, le dijo la joven monja en forma entusiasta, ¡he sido salvada!

¿Y cómo sucedió tan magno evento? preguntó la anciana sor.

Bien, cuando el padre Juan estaba metido en la tina, me pidió que lo lavase. Mientras lo estaba lavando, guió mi mano hacia abajo, entre sus piernas, mientras me decía que, ahí, el Señor guardaba la llave del Cielo.

¡Lo sabía! – dijo la vieja ácidamente.

La hermana Magdalena continúa el relato:

El padre Juan dijo que si la llave del Cielo coincidía con mi cerradura los portales del paraíso se abrirían para mi y tendría asegurada la salvación y la paz eterna. Y el padre Juan guió su llave del cielo a mi cerradura.

Es un hecho, dijo la vieja sor aun mas ácidamente.

Al principio dolía terriblemente, pero el padre Juan me dijo que el camino a la salvación es, a menudo, doloroso y que la gloria de Dios pronto llenaría mi corazón de éxtasis. Y así fue y me sentía tan bien siendo salvada.

¡Ese viejo diablo! dijo la vieja monja. A mi me dijo que era la trompeta del Arcángel Gabriel y se la vengo soplando desde hace 40 años.

Q: Why dont blind people skydive?

A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What is Clintons new Secret Service Code Name?

Unibanger.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt? Certainly not, said the Priest. As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it. I tried, Brian sobbed, but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do? If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family. Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off. When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the Presidents cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch.

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as themselves and are really impressed. After the game they ask her How is it that you know so much about baseball?

She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

Was it when they cut off your testicles?

That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.

What was the most painful part?

The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!

Whats the position to make ugly babies?