A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.
The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.
Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.
Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he cant reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.
The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.
Whats the matter? asks his wife. Did I hurt you?
No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Whats another word for thesaurus?
What would we have called the color orange if it wasnt a fruit?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How to cook a Turkey…
– Go buy a turkey
– Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
– Put turkey in the oven
– Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
– Set the degree at 375 ovens
– Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
– Turn oven the on
– Take 4 whisks of drinky
– Turk the bastey
– Whiskey another bottle of get
– Stick a turkey in the thermometer
– Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
– Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Floor the turkey up off of the pick
– Turk the carvey
– Get yourself another scottle of botch
– Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
– Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Did you read that scientists discovered the actually ingredients in Viagra?
2 % vitamin C, 2% vitamin B, 2% vitamin E, 2% vitamin K, 98% fix a flat!
The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud F***, missed! each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldnt take it anymore.
Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you.
It didnt make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with F***, missed!!. Again, the priest said Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign.
It didnt help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud F***, missed!!. A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds F***, missed!!.
36 things youll never hear from a Redneck…
1. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
2. Duct tape wont fix that.
3. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
4. We dont keep firearms in this house.
5. You cant feed that to the dog.
6. I thought Graceland was tacky.
7. No kids in the back of the pick-up…its not safe.
8. Professional wresslins fake.
9. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
10. Were vegetarians.
11. Do you think my hair is too big?
12. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
13. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
14. I dont understand the appeal of NASCAR.
15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Deer heads detract from the decor.
17. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
20. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
21. The tires on that truck are too big.
22. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
23. Ive got it all on a floppy disk.
24. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
25. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
26. My fiance is registered at Tiffanys.
27. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
28. Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
31. I dont have a favorite college football team.
32. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
33. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
34. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
35. Elvis who?
36. Checkmate
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.