Old and New Jokes

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, Buddy, Id sure like to be on your side of the river!

Alrght, tell ya whut, Ill shine my flashlight cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light! the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, Haint no way, buddy. I know you think Im a fool! When I get halfway cross, youll turn your flashlight off!

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.



The brunette said, We should go to Mars.

The redhead said, We should go to the Moon.



The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to … the Sun!



The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said, You cant go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!



The blonde said, DUH… Not if you go at night!

One day the lone ranger and tonto are out riding in texas. they stop at a bar and start to have a drink. then a big guy comes in and says whos white horse is outside?

the lone ranger stands up and says what abuot it ? the man says well your horse is about to faint so the lone ranger told tonto go run around silver and see if you can get some air movin a couple minutes later anoither guy walks in and asks whos white horse it is outside. the lone ranger stands up and says whats wrong with my horse?!!! the guy says nothins wrong with your horse you just left your injun runnin.

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev…and rev…and rev.

When his wifes snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth. Awk, glub! choked his startled wife. What the… Its okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin, he explained. Why? I dont have a headache! Great! said Harry, triumphantly. Lets fuck!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.” The bartender says, “Whatve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

One school day, a little girl was really tired, the lesson was religious studies and the girl had questions fired at her, the teacher asked her who is our lord above? and the boy behind her poked her back with a pencil and she shouted GOD AlMIGHTY! and then the teacher asked her who is the son of God? and the boy poked her again and she shouted JESUS CHRIST and then the teacher asked her what did eve say to Adam after they had their third child and the boy poked her again and she shouted IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP IT IN HALF!

Great Female Comebacks

Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number? Woman: Its in the phone book. Man: But I dont know your name. Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign? Woman: Do not Enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized !

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason. Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then why arent you leaving me alone?

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy: Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Id go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?



Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!



Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied. Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

You know youre out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. Youre not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for jackass.

14. Extended childhood only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . Twenty-something means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police dont raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and theyre no longer adults – they are your peers.

24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, When I was in college…