Old and New Jokes

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home.

As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him,

Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!

Its not just one car, said Herman, Its hundreds of them!

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and Americanize their names.

So…

Bu, called himself Buck,

Chu called himself Chuck,

but Fu decided to return to China…

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie – talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you? his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, youd never believe it!

Clinton floated a strike on baseballs opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.

Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to the Beirut
airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate with
Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held in hostage
around the world!

Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?

This was first written for the population of bobcats being crowded by the suburban expansion in the Orange County area of California. Since then it has been endorsed by the coyote population, and populations of other natural predators being pushed out of their natural habitats.

You move your homes into my abode

You bulldoze a canyon for a toll road

You have an airport for supersonic jets

So, Ill come down and eat your pets.

Author unknown; printed in the Orange Section of the L.A. Times, Sunday, June 29, 1997.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when Im lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not eat the cats food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. Kitty box crunchies are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up with my cold, wet nose on her bottom. I will not chew my humans toothbrush and not tell them.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when its raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Moms underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dads laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officers hand when he reaches in for Moms drivers license and car registration.

Two rednecks decide that they arent going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?

I sure do.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replies the
professor.

Thats real good! says the redneck.

The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously
catching on.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever
heard! I cant wait to take that logic class!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend.

Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.

What in tarnation is logic?! asks his friend.

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asks the first
redneck.

No, his friend replies.

Logically thinkin youre queer, aint ya?