Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, Just three gunnysacks.
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, Bow-wow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.
Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, Meow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.
Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, Potatoes.
A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.
Well, we were married for 25 years!
A mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. Where the heck have you been?!?! Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. Oh yeah? Let me see your hands! She sees his hands are covered with powder and… You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!
An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought hed wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or Jack off.
Jill said, Well, youd better jack off, because Im late for my bus.
The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist fears this is true.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming "Its gone! Its all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate."Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roomate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes were ablur,
I just couldnt study.
Some pizza might help,
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
Id nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He looked down at me,
And started to bellow:
What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?
On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Years Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last minute crams!
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best,
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a Good Test!
ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOTHER AND HE SAYS MOMMY WHAT ARE THOSE? SHE REPLIES..OH THOSE ARE MY HEAD LIGHTSTHE BOY THEN AGAIN ASKS MOMMY WHATS THAT? SHE THEN REPLIES OH THATS MY GARDEN THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THE NEXT DAY THE BOY TAKES A SHOWER WITH HIS DAD.THE BOT THEN ASKS HIS DAD DADDY WHATS THAT? THE FATHER REPLIES OH THATS MY SNAKETHE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT NIGHT THE BOY HAD A BAD DREAM SO HE WENT INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM SNEAKS UNDER THE SHEETS AND SAYSMOMMY MOMMY QUICK TURN ON YOUR HEAND LIGHTS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want? Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage. When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, $50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, She must have, she was standing right on it. About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that shes done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, Oh, and by the way, that isnt a Porsche-its a Ferrari.