28
Jul

Quotes About Pets

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the
car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at
nothing right in your ear. –Dave Barry

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three
times before lying down. –Robert Benchley

Dogs come when theyre called; cats take a message and get back to you
later. –Mary Bly

In order to keep a true perspective of ones importance, everyone
should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore
him. –Dereke Bruce

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well. –Missy Dizick

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea. –Robert A. Heinlein

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of
dogs. –Aldous Huxley

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want. –Joseph Wood Krutch

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia. –Joseph Wood Krutch

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. –Fran Lebowitz

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
thats how dogs spend their lives. –Sue Murphy

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult. –Rita Rudner

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back
from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a
cow. They must think were the greatest hunters on earth! –Anne Tyler

Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow. –Jeff Valdez

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. –Alfred North Whitehead

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all
owned by cats. –Anonymous

Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it
look like the dog did it. –Unknown

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this. –Unknown

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. –Unknown

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
–Unknown

28
Jul

The Oldest Profession

A surgeon, an architect, and a politician were considering the question of whose profession was the oldest.


I think my line of work would win this one hands down, the surgeon said. After all, Eve was created from Adams rib, and that sounds like surgery to me.


Maybe, the architect said, but before Adam, order was created out of chaos. That was architectural accomplishment.


Sure, the politician said. But before that, someone had to create the chaos.

28
Jul

Emersom

Guy-Knock, Knock

Girl-Whos there?

Guy-Emersom

Girl-Emersom who?

Guy-Emersom nice boobs ya got there!

28
Jul

Love Stinks

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

28
Jul

Shit Happens in various religions

First set from: pszila@u.washington.edu (Peter Szilard) and
kamens@neon.stanford.edu (Samuel N. Kamens)

TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, Shit happens.

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isnt really shit.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

ISLAM: If shit happens, kill the person(s) responsible.

More-From: sunne!East!bruces (Bruce Sesnovich – Sun BOS Information Architecture)

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesnt happen; shit is.

JEHOVAHS WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armaggedon.

ISLAM: When shit happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesnt happen, dont call a doctor–pray.

27
Jul

Knock Knock Whos there? Isadore! Isadore who? Isadore locked,

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Isadore!
Isadore who?
Isadore locked, I cant get in!

27
Jul

Priest and Rabbi…

A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

After sitting down, ordering, and chitchat the Priest says Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?

He then realizes the truth I think were in a gay bar.

A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.

The priest is dumbfounded, and doesnt know what to do.

The Rabbi leans over and whispers something in the mans ear.

The man walks off.

The Priest says Thanks, but what did you tell him.

The Rabbi replies I just told him were on our honeymoon.

27
Jul

Pepito estaba en el kinder

Pepito estaba en el kinder y un día le dice a su mamá que tenía un festival el viernes en la escuela. La mamá muy entusiasmada le pregunta que si de que lo iba a vestir, a lo que Pepito responde que de castor.

Su mamá gastó mas de 1000 pesos pues quería que su hijo fuera el mejor del festival.

En fin, ese día Pepito le dice a su madre que si quiere que le cante la canción y ella dice que sí.

Y Pepito empieza a cantar:

Los castooores a Belén coooorrren pre su rooooo sos…

27
Jul

Ducks and Elephants

Why do ducks have big, webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have big, flat feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.

27
Jul

Ivy League Lightbulb Jokes

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven – one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – Hanover doesnt have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six – one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulbs right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.