A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.
They each brought one item for survival.
The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, Why? The red-head
replied, To prevent us from dying of thirst.
The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, Why? The brunette
replied, To prevent us from dying of hunger.
The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked,
Why? The blonde replied, To roll down the window if it gets hot.
On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me …
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter … Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.
On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me …
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didnt. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3 curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me …
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99
On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me …
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boys blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You havent seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!
On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me …
I forget what, she ate it so quickly. I do remember all the clean up afterwards though. Yuck!
On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me …
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesnt have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me …
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldnt get out the way it came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me …
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computers delete key. Cost for call to Computer Countrys 900/help line: $17.50. And I still dont know what happened to the listings of B through H.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me …
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldnt be such a disaster if she hadnt previously stolen the power knob. I missed a weeks worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, Its a Wonderful Life. Rental of Its a Wonderful Life: $2; purchase of book, Good owners, great cats: $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me …
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK, OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece? Cost: Christmas Dinner.
On the 12th day of Christmas …
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.
What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes!
What is it when a blonde blows into anotherblondes ear?
Data transfer.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
I wonder if its mine?
How do you confuse a blonde?
Give her a package of M&Ms and tell her to put them in alphabetical order.
Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
Because she read that one child out of every four born, was Chinese.
Why did the blonde lose her job as an elevator operator?
She couldnt learn the route.
Why did the blonde drive around the block fifty-seven times?
Her turn signal was stuck.
Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.
Why are the Japanese so smart?
No blondes.
Womans Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner with.
Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
ever: each, as in Shes bin crine ever day since JJ run off.
far: combustion
git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in HEP! Theres a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.
nekkid: to be unclothed.
ole well: a source of petroleum.
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).
paypuh: what you write on.
shevuhlay: a General Motors car.
spearmint: something scientists do.
stow: establishment where things are sold.
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.
uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.
zackly: precisely
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I
want you all to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and
said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying.
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: SO GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!
The four men didnt wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.
Small problem, her key wouldnt fit the ignition. Her car was identical, and parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman.
No charges were filed.
(Thanks to Mary Campbell)
This test only has one question, but its a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you wont be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.Heres the situation:You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,and youre caught in the middle of this epic disaster.The situation is nearly hopeless. Youre trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer…somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.Its George W. Bush, President of the United States!!At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him under… forever.You have two options–you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the worlds most powerful men.So heres the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!
A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.
“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.â€
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.
Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.
He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!