Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken. Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!
Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have
emerged.
Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as a
romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate
circumstances, that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular
basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Morons. Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear
from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and
say I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive
you, and I hate you, and youre a total bitch. But I want you to know theres
always a chance for us.
This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You drunken phone call. Ninety nine
percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some
men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer
extension courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely
prove effective.
Sex
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of
foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is
considered a part of foreplay.
Maturity
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work.
Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Groceries
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of things she needs,
and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a
frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an
opened can of Schlitz and half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.
A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or
less lane.
Magazines
Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Womens magazines also
feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful
work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by
the light of day.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their is
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps and
gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when shes dumping
you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Comedy
Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and
an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, mans favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.
Bathrooms
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in a typical American womens bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.
Restrooms
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women whove
never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in
the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
Going Out
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says shes ready to go out, it means that she will be ready, as soon as
she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her
makeup.
Cats
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick
cats.
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one
pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A
man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball
number in A Chorus Line.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface –
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head…
Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the
changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.
Time
When a woman says shell be ready to go out in five more minutes, shes using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football gamess just got five
minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Low Blows
Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one
of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says Oh, gee, that must
hurt. The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she
will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in
a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like Ive found a
new way to get there, and, I know Im in the neighborhood. I recognize that
White Hen store.
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he
was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard
Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club
and dates only married women.
Madonna
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
Nicknames
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out
for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Eating Out
… and when the check comes, Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though its only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens
toys: miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six D batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full
of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
David Letterman
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
pictures.
Locker Rooms
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat, but
this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about
the bachelor party.
Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders
are scary.
Socks
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white
sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them.
Socks cut way below the ankles. Socks with little fuzzy balls on the back.
Underwear
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.
Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh
for the first time in Gone With The Wind. For men, its when Jimmy Cagney
shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clarks face in Public Enemy.
Nudity In Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring, and thats it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.
Sport Arenas
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women
usually end up following men.
Conversation
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., Wow, great movie., What
are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size., Well, maybe he got it
because he knew about those Mafia guys, etc. Women, not having this problem,
try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: That
garden by the roadside looks lovely. Mm hmm. Pause. That was a good
restaurant last night, wasnt it? Yeah. Pause. And so on.
Friends
Women on a girls night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys night out say
about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos or Got any
more beer?
The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.
The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn
Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on his back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.
Se encuentran 3 gallegos y uno de ellas comenta:
Mira que mi mujer es FEA la madre que la parió.
A lo que uno de los otros gallegos replica:
Que dices hombre Manolo, que Mujer FEA FEA es la mÃa, la madre que la recontra parió.
El otro gallego no se hizo esperar y dijo:
Que ni la tuya Manolo ni la tuya José es tan FEA como la mÃa, mira que la mÃo es FEA FEA, coño la madre que la recontra siete mil parió.
Entonces los gallegos deciden de común acuerdo visitar juntos cada una de las mujeres para saber quién es la mas FEA. Van a la casa de José y José grita:
MUJER, MUJER, ven que tenemos visitas, la mujer responde: Voy Hombre, déjame arreglarme un poco y a los minutos aparece una gallega gorda, FEAAAAAAAA, con raÃces de bigotes y una berruga en la nariz.
Al ver tan horrible imagen Manolo y Francisco dicen:
AY MADRE QUE LOS PARIO QUE FEA QUE ES TU MUJER, ES FEA EN SERIO.
Manolo sin salir de su asombro dice:
Mira José que tu MUJER ES FEA pero no compite con la mÃa, la mÃa es FEA FEA.
Ante esto se encaminan los tres a la casas de Manolo, al llegar Manolo grita:
MUJER, MUJER, ven que tenemos visitas, la mujer responde: Voy Hombre, déjame arreglarme un poco y a los minutos aparece una gallega petisa, flaca, FEAAAAAAAA, bisca, faltándole dos dientes, con una boina puesta y el tabaco prendido colgando de sus labios.
Al ver tan horrible imagen ´Francisco y José dicen:
AY MADRE QUE LOS PARIO, QUE FEA QUE ES TU MUJER, ES FEA FEA EN SERIO.
Francisco horrorizado, dice:
Mira Manolo y mira José que vuestras Mujeres son FEAS, FEAS, pero la mÃa le gana por varios cuerpos.
Ante esto se encaminan los tres a la casas de Francisco, al llegar Francisco grita:
MUJER, MUJER, ven que tenemos visitas.
La Mujer desde el fondo de la casa grita:
¿CON CAPUCHA O SIN CAPUCHA?
Francisco a los gritos responde:
SIN CAPUCHA, QUE NO ES PARA COGER
According to a new survey 60% of adults say theyre aware of someone whos
gone to work under the influence of drugs. Apparently the other 40% have
never heard of the Dallas Cowboys.
– Conan OBrien
Insert your fafourite ethnic minority in place of ?
Three Italians and three ? were eating lunch one day while griping about how much they hated working in the factory. Finally, one Italian said to the other two Italians, Hey, I got an idea-when the boss comes in, well do something so crazy that hell fire us. Then we wont have to working in this shit hole.
Half an hour later, they saw the boss coming. The three Italians climbed up to the rafters and hung upside down.
The boss took one look and shouted, Hey, what in hell do you think youre doing?
Were light bulbs, the Italians said.
Youre crazy, the boss snorted. And youre fired. Get out of here.
The Italians left. A couple of minutes later, the three ? gathered and began to follow.
Where in the hell are you going? the boss bellowed.
One ? replied, We cant work in the dark.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and had them come up with the rest of it.1. As you shall make your bed so shall you … mess it up.
2. Better be safe than … punch a 5th grader.
3. Strike while the … bug is close.
4. Its always darkest before … daylight savings time.
5. You can lead a horse to water but … how?
6. Dont bite the hand that … looks dirty.
7. A miss is as good as a … Mr.
8. You cant teach an old dog new … math.
9. If you lie down with the dogs, youll … stink in the morning.
10. The pen is mightier than the … pigs.
11. An idle mind is … the best way to relax.
l2. Where theres smoke, theres … pollution.
13. Happy the bride who … gets all the presents.
14. A penny saved is … not much.
15. Twos company, threes … the musketeers.
16. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose.
17. Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.
18. When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way.
I got this joke from a roommate of mine, Keith Brown.
He acquired it when he went back to his hometown to
substitute teach at his high school. Sitting in the
teachers lounge, they were telling jokes and the
principal told this one…
One day, an elderly woman went in to the main Citibank office
in downtown New York City and asked the window teller if she
could speak to the president of the bank. Upon being questioned
as to why she needed to see him, the elderly woman said that
she wished to deposit seven million dollars.
The teller then rushed back to the president and said that
there was a woman who wished to deposit seven million dollars
and that she wished to see the president. Naturally, the
president excitedly said, Well, send her right in!
After the elderly woman and the president had talked for some
time about security and insurance and whatnot, she started to
fill out some papers. By this time the president had become
very curious as to how this plain-looking elderly woman had
come across seven million dollars in cash. Not wanting to
be too blunt, he asked her, Well, did you inherit the money?
She said, No, and kept on writing.
He then asked, Well, did you find the money?
She again said, No, and kept on writing.
Frustrated, he then asked, Well, how did you acquire the money?
She responded, I won it.
Still bewildered, he asked, Did you win it in a lottery?
She again said, No, and kept on writing.
Still curious, he asked, Did you win it on a slot machine?
Once, again, she said, No, and kept on writing.
Finally, the President asked, Well, how did you win it?
At long last, she replied, I won it by betting on people.
Confused, the president wondered, I dont understand?
The elderly woman then said, Well, let me give you an example:
I bet you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 10:00 your nuts
will be square.
The president pondered the bet for a moment and then said,
OK, Ill take the bet.
The old woman, not carrying the $7 million with her, said
that she would return the following morning to deposit the
money and settle the bet.
Not being extremely wealthy, the president took the rest of
the day off to think about how he would spend the money.
As well, he would occasionally feel his balls to make sure
that they were, indeed, round. After checking them about
100 times that day, he decided to check one more time before
he nodded off to sleep. Content, he went to sleep with a
huge grin on his face, still not knowing how he would spend
the money.
Upon waking up, the president quickly grabbed his nuts only
to find that they were still round. Relieved, he went to
work a little early, all the time pondering the spending
of his wealth-to-be.
Promptly at 10:00, the elderly woman walked in with two men.
As they entered the room, one of the men silently stood
against the wall. The other was obviously a lawyer, as he
had a briefcase and looked very official. Quickly, the
president made one more self-exam in which he found that they
were still round.
As the elderly woman approached the desk with the lawyer, she
queried, Well, how did it go?
The president replied confidently, It went fine.
The woman responded matter-of-factly, Well, if it wasnt
$25,000, Id take your word for it, but, seeing as it is
a considerable sum of money, Ill have to verify for myself.
Blushing, the president stood up and dropped both his pants
and underpants to his knees. The elderly woman reached across
the table and felt his nuts, saying, Well, I guess you won.
At that precise moment, the man standing against the wall
started banging his head against the wall, quite violently.
The president, surprised, asked, Whats the matter with him?
The elderly woman responded, I bet him $150,000 that by this
morning, Id have the president of Citibanks nuts in my hand.
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he hasnt had any
lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse
immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as
Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror he grabs the horses mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horses neck, but he slides down the side of
the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse
and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the
stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horses pounding hooves as his head is
struck against the ground over and over.
Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered
against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his
great fortune The Sainsburys security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs
the horse.