Old and New Jokes

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Because they dont have penises to put them in.

Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The transmission wont go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline.

When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.

It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.

But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctors office. We have come for an examination, said the young girl.

Alright, said the doctor. Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.

No, not me, said the girl. its my old aunt here.

Very well, said the doctor. Madam, stick out your tongue.

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.

An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.

In Manhatan a midget got onto the elevator.

A few floors down a huge black man got in, and said Do you know that my
body weighs 300 pounds, in fact each one of my balls weighs 25 pounds, my
dick is 35 inches long and my name is Turner Brown.

The midget fainted dead away

After being revived by the paramedics the midget asked the
black man to repeat his last few words.

The black man replied I said my name is Turner Brown.

Thank God! said the midget, I thought you said turn around.

Yo mama so old she farts dust.

No said Abe to Golda, I dont hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine

Una vez, un estadounidense, un español y un indígena viajaban en un pequeño avión. De pronto, el piloto les señala la necesidad de arrojar algo para descargar peso, pues la nave tenía problemas. Para estar parejos, los tres individuos decidieron arrojarse.

El gringo se tira diciendo:

¡Por mi patria!

El español se lanza gritando:

¡Por mi bandera!

Entonces, cuando el indio se iba a tirar se le resbala el guarache y se cae del avión vociferando:

¡Por mi guarache!