At my Universitys Student center Bathrooms: If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police.
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance.
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: Rest Area Next Right – the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, If your going to steal, then smile for the camera.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
Personal Hygiene
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a womans jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using ones own truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save
hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
The first rule of shaving is to take your time. A man who is always
clean-shaven runs the risk of being labeled a sissy or an international
banker.
Its recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and
under-arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in
these body regions attractive.
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down
item.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Fashion
Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of
understated elegance but never before April.
No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers.
And hip waders are not considered dress pants.
As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a
single phrase: No collar, no tie.
Dining Out
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to bruise the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly
from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
In regards to table conversation, avoid stories about car wrecks,
operations, or sick pets. Nothing ruins a good meal quicker than someone
getting sick or sentimental at the table.
While okay at home, its considered crass to ask, Are you gonna eat the
rest of that meatloaf? Especially if you dont know the person.
Many establishments frown on the use of a doggie bag at an
all-you-can-eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places.
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Out for the Evening
Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you dont know
anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking
the ice:
My old lady wants to get to know you.
I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend.
Do I have anything stuck in my teeth?
How long have you had that thing on your nose?
Is that a new tattoo?
Whens your parole up?
Entertaining in your Home
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the
injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and whats not
okay to spit in.
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Always wipe your hands before picking your teeth.
Make your guests feel at home. Let them adjust the rabbit ears on the
TV, and make the dog give up the couch.
If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such
as, Yall are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent.
Dating (Outside the Family)
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: Ive been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the mens bathroom wall two years
ago.
Shower her with compliments: You aint near as ugly as your sister.
And that scar barely shows when you get up close.
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00. Others might say Monday. If the latter is the answer, its the
boys responsibility to get her to school on time.
If a girls name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
Even if you cant get a date, avoid kidnapping. Its bad for your
reputation.
Theater Etiquette
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they cant hear you.
Weddings
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also
a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays
since thats square dancing night.
When going through the receiving line, its proper to say something nice
to the bride such as, Your baby is real cute.
If someone asks where the bride is registered, do not answer, The
American Kennel Club.
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
How many bridal attendants should the bride have? One for each of her
kids.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
Driving Etiquette
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
Never play Chinese fire drill with handicapped passengers, especially if
parked on a hill.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
When traveling with your family, try to keep their mooning of other
drivers to a minimum.
Remember that the median is not a passing lane.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for all Occasions
Dont make company sleep on dirty sheets. Give them directions to the
laundromat.
Its considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If your dog falls in love with a guests leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
Always offer to bait your dates hook, especially on the first date.
Even if youre certain that you are included in the will, its
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more
embarrassing than hearing Junior say, We aint seen Daddy in eight days,
and Mamas too drunk to come to the phone.
At a baby shower, never ask, Do you have any idea who the father is?
Never take a beer to a job interview.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
if other people are around.
If you have to vacuum the bed, its time to change the sheets.
One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids
at the local kennel.
At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, He looks so
natural–like he just got drunk and passed out.
No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were
stolen from a cemetery.
Always say Excuse me after getting sick in someone elses car.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.
What do you call a young Mexican?
A paragraph. (Because he is not quite an essay yet.)
A pastor was getting increasingly annoyed with a man in the congregation who fell asleep each week during the sermon. He tried everything he could think of, but the man still kept falling asleep.
One day, he got an idea. When Sunday came around he was preaching on heaven and hell. When he determined that the man was sound asleep he quietly said to the congregation, You have a choice: All those who want to go to heaven quietly stand.
To which the entire congregation (minus Mr. Sleepy) stood.
Fine, said the preacher, you may be seated now.
They sat. Then he continued, Everyone who is going to hell, *STAND UP*!!! to which the sleeper awoke and immediately stood.
He then looked around at the congregation who were all looking at him, turned to the preacher and said, Well, preacher, I dont know what were voting on, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it.
A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.The husband asks I notice youve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?Yes she replies, Hes my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.Thats remarkable! the husband replies, I didnt think anybody could celebrate that long.
Doctor, I had a terrible dream last night.
What was that, Mr. Mariotti?
I dreamed that I was at a Miss Universe pageant and was surrounded by spectacularly beautiful girls from all over the world, wearing skimpy bathing suits.
Really? And what was bad about it?
I was Miss Italy.
(I guess you can say it was a bit of a drag).
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?A: Winnie the Pooh!
Computer novices may feel like theyre alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBMs help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PCs serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said shed be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as hibernate. Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer–the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a window to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.