Old and New Jokes

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, You know why Im going to win this election? Because of my personal touch. For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.

Oh, really? replied the other. I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Usher!
Usher who?
Usher wish you would let me in!

I can go for more than seven days without sleep…
so its a good thing I sleep nights.

A man had a terrible accident and his private parts were injured.


The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible for his privates to be rebuilt, but insurance didnt cover the expense. It was considered cosmetic.


He had three choices: small for $3,500, medium for $6,500, and large for $14,000.


The man was sure hed want a medium or large.


The doctor suggested that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was made.


The doctor left the room and while he was gone the man called his wife and told her their options.


The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad.


Did you make a decision? the doctor asked.


Yes, said the man. My wife would like to remodel the kitchen.

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

Now, do you see that tree over there? he asked.

YES, YES, YES!! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

Good! said the first bat, Because I fucking didnt!

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.



Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.



Oh, mama, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!



Sarah, Sarah, her mother said, calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?



Please dont make me tell you, mama, wept the daughter, Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!



Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!



Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mama…words like dust, wash, iron, and cook…

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem! Whats the problem, Eve? Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy. Why is that, Eve?, comes the reply from above. Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord? This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all hell give you a hard time. But hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack. Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. Yeah, well, hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition. Whats that, Lord? Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?Nothing. Elton John prefers men.