Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.

El marido, muy canchero, le dice a la mujer que otra vez tiene una partida de póquer con Julio. La mina, muy podrida por los engaños, le jura que si lo pesca en otra mentira cuando este dormido se lo corta.

El tipo jura que es inocente, pero igual espera a que la bruja se duerma para salir de trampa. Cuando vuelve, se duerme como un animal. La mujer aprovecha y con un tramontina se lo corta de un saque. La esposa, con una crisis histérica, a lo único que atina es a agarrar el auto y salir a toda velocidad a la ruta.

Cuando reacciona, decide tirar el noble pene por la ventanilla con todas sus fuerzas. Detrás de la mina venían dos borrachos en un ratrejero piojoso y con tan mala suerte, que el miembro se estrella contra el parabrisas y se lo enchastra todo; el borrachín que manejaba le comenta al otro:

¡Che, cacho, qué pijuda que vienen las mariposas!

Suicidal blonde

A blonde girl got so mad about blonde jokes she decided to kill herself.

She finds a suitable tree and proceeds to hang herself by the ankles.

Two guys come over and say, Are you trying to kill yourself?

The blonde replies, Yes, I am.

One of the men says, Then shouldnt you hang the rope on your neck instead of your ankles?

The blonde says, I tried that, but I couldnt breathe.

Yo mama so old I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off.

Suspecting that his wife had a lover, but still having to be away for a day and a night, the very clever husband came up with an idea.

Under their bed, he placed a saucepan filled with milk, and above it, attached to the bottom of the bed, a wooden spoon. By his calculations, the weight of his wife shouldnt be enough for making the spoon reach the milk; but if she had company in bed, the spoon would get a white line, and the affair would be revealed.

So, the next day, as soon as he got home, he went to the bedroom and inspected the result of his plan…

The saucepan was filled with butter!

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guys insane.

Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right.

So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away.

No problem.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna
really did have a first name?

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCOS TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football

stadium?

It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!