Old and New Jokes

Cierta noche, ya de madrugada, un tipo le mostraba su nuevo apartamento a unos amigos. El anfitrión los lleva a su dormitorio, donde está un gigantesco gong de bronce.

¿Y eso?, pregunta uno de los invitados.

Es mi reloj parlante.

¿Reloj parlante? ¿Y cómo funciona?, indaga otro de los amigos.

Mira, dice el hombre, y le da un fuerte golpe al gong con un mazo, que lo hace retumbar en una forma impresionante.

De pronto, se oye un grito a voz en cuello desde el otro lado de la pared:

¡Por Dios, grandísimo hijo de puta! ¡Son las 2 de la mañana!

Why dont [ethnic] men like blow jobs?

They dont like any jobs.

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race

along come faster rats.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

Q. What do you call it when you bury 1000 black men in the ground up to their necks?

A. Afroturf

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, Youre lying!.The other politician responded, I know, but hear me out.

Dear Diary,

Monday:

Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, its fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, Beat 12 eggs separately. Well, I didnt have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday:

We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without dressing. So I didnt dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday:

I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I cant say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:

Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?

Friday:

Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. Beat it I did, right over to my moms house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:

Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. Im sure I dont know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday:

Today Bobs folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary.

This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Scared the crap out of the dog

A farmer was getting drunk in the local bar when a man came in

and asked: Hey, why on this beautiful day are you sitting here

getting drunk?

The farmer shook his head and replied, Some things you just

cant explain.

So, what happened thats so horrible? the man asked.

Well, the farmer said, today while milking my cow she lifted

her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Okay, said the man, but thats not so bad.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer replied.

So what happened then? the man asked.

The farmer said, I took her left leg and tied it to the post on

the left.

And then?

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got

the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the

bucket.

The man laughed and said, Again?

The farmer replied, Some things you just cant explain.

So, what did you do then? the man asked.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the

right.

And then?

Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I

got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket

with her tail.

Hmmm, the man said and nodded his head.

Some things you just cant explain, the farmer said.

So, what did you do? the man asked.

Well, the farmer said, I didnt have any more rope,

so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.

In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in

…Some things you just cant explain.

The five questions most feared by men are:1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?The proper answer to this, of course, is:Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the worst response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!
Question # 2: Do you love me?The proper response is: YES! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include:a. Oh Yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not!Among the incorrect answers are:a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldnt call you fat, but youre not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. Ive seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think shes prettier than me?Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not!Incorrect

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much Im not even sure this baby Im carrying is his.

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home, turn against his own religion?

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. Ive seen it. Now, how do I get out?

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $80 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three years and I didnt know he drank until one night he came home sober.