Old and New Jokes

Just because you are paranoid doesnt mean they are not out to get you.

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.

But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.

He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his
doctor was amazed.

Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of
any 64 year old I have ever examined!

Did I say I was 64?

Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?

Damn straight you did! Im 85!

85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old
was your father when he died?

Did I say he was dead?

You mean…

Damn straight! Hes 106 and going strong!

My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your
grandfather live?

Did I say he was dead?

No! You cant mean…

Damn straight! Hes 126, and getting married next week!

126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldnt think a man would
want to get married at that age!

Did I say he wanted to get married?…

When James Kirk and Spock were in college, they always used ladies toilet. Know why?

They wanted to go where no man has gone before!

A: She peed on her corn flakes.

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty – it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

God continued, I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.

But Lord, asked Gabriel, dont you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?

No, not really. God replied…

Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels really good about the result. On her way home she stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving she says to the sales clerk, I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35 was the reply.
Im actually 47, the woman says happily.A little while later she goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, Id guess that youre 29? Nope, I am actually 47.Shes starting to feel real good about herself. While standing at the bus stop she asks an old man the same question. He replies, I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a womans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your fanny for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.As there was no one else around the woman thought what the hell and let him slip his hand down her pants. Ten minutes later the old man says,OK, its done. You are 47. Stunned, the woman says, That was brilliant! How the hell did you do that? The old man replies, I was behind you in McDonalds.

Three Jewish Grandmothers were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their grandsons professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose profession was the oldest.


In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctors Grandma said, The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adams rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat.


The architects Grannie did not agree. She said, But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So G-d must have been an architect.


The computer scientists Bubbie, who had listened to all of this said, Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat
Its very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King
You are not very bright – Yu So Dum
I got this for free – Ai No Pei
I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight – Lei Lo
Hes cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?

A brunette was walking on the railroad tracks saying,

21…

21….

21…. when a blonde jumped on. A train came and the brunette jumped off…the train hit the blonde. The Brunette then got back onto the tracks and started saying,

22…..

22……

22…..