Old and New Jokes

Banta Singh stuck on an elevator

Santa Singh: Sorry Im late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Banta Singh: Thats alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 4 hrs.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
–Frank Adams

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
–Marty Allen

Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex. You thought of nothing else if you didnt have it and thought of other things if you did.
–James Baldwin

I hope I dont sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: How can I get in on
that? –Dave Barry

Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors. –J. Bothne

Many speak the truth when they say that they despise riches, but they mean the riches possessed by other men.
–Charles Caleb Colton

Happiness cant buy money. –Bob Hope

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

–Lazarus Long Time Enough For Love

We survived the 1980s. Back then, the economic program was
called trickle down. That actually meant they were pissing
on you. How the whole theory goes was this: We have all the
money. If we drop some, its yours. Go for it. –Bill Maher

If the nations economists were laid end to end, they would point in all directions.
–Arthur H. Motley

Certainly there are things in life that money cant buy, but its very funny — Did you ever try buying then without money?
–Ogden Nash

In spite of the cost of living, its still popular.
–Kathy Norris

The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, its just a tired feeling.
–Paula Poundstone

Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.
–F. J. Raymond

Money cant buy happiness but it will get you a better class of memories.
–Ronald Reagan

Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. Its rational
and always works the same way. –Jerold Rochwald

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
–Will Rogers

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. –Howard Scott

The breakfast of champions is not cereal, its the opposition. –Nick Seitz

My mistake was buying stock in the company. Now Im worried
about the lousy work Im turning out. –Marvin Townsend

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
–Mark Twain

Im opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the same opportunity.
–Mark Twain

If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
–Earl Wilson

Ive got all the money Ill ever need if I die by four oclock.
–Henny Youngman

If poverty is a blessing in disguise, the disguise is perfect. –Henny Youngman

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
–Unknown

A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
–Unknown

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
–Unknown

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
–Unknown

While money cant buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
–Unknown

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the
human intelligence long enough to get money from it. –Unknown

So wives and significant others get a break! Barbecues are not allowed! Rolaids are!

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

Kitchen closed – this chick has had it!
Martha Stewart doesnt live here!
Im creative; you cant expect me to be neat too!
So this isnt Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Ring Bell for Maid Service … If no answer do it yourself!
I clean house every other day … Today is the other day!
If you write in the dust, please dont date it!
I would cook dinner but I cant find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
COOK CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you dont like my standards of cooking … lower your standards.
You may touch the dust in this house … but please dont write in it!
Apology … Although youll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesnt always look like this: Some days its even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen – just vending machines.
Gardening forever … Housework, never!
Dull women have immaculate houses.

You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-Tips!

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.

Deja Moo:

The feeling that youve heard this bullshit before.

Q. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barrs husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.

Un apostador empedernido estaba en el hipódromo cuando vio que un cura entraba al área de establos con uno de los propietarios, y bendecía a uno de los caballos. En la carrera siguiente el caballo llegó en primer lugar. Intrigado, comenzó a observar que esto se repetía con frecuencia, así que decidió arriesgar todos sus ahorros. Al día siguiente siguió los movimientos del cura y apostó todo al caballo que acababa de visitar.

Llegó la carrera esperada y el caballo elegido no sólo no ganó, sino que llegó en último lugar, mucho muy lejos de los demás. Terriblemente acongojado, el apostador buscó al cura y le rogó que le dijera que es lo que había salido mal.

El sacerdote suspiró, y dijo: Ah, es una lástima. Ese es el problema por no saber distinguir entre una bendición y una extremaunción.

Iba un negro por el desierto cuando, de repente, se encuentra una lámpara maravillosa. Al frotarla sale de inmediato el genio que, al ver a su nuevo amo, le pregunta por sus deseos.

El hombre, sorprendido, exclama: ¡Quiero ser blanco y estar entre las piernas de una mujer!

Tus deseos son órdenes, y… ¡Zas! Lo convierte en toalla sanitaria.

Three little black boys sitting on a porch. The first little black boy says, What would you do with a million dollars? The second boy said, Id buy that blue Cadillac over there. The third little boy said, Id buy the pink Cadillac siiting over there. Then the third little boy asked the first what hed do with the money. The first boy replied, Id cover myself in hair. The other two asked why? and he said because my sister has a(2 x 2) patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!