A mercenary preacher was traveling back from a mission of peace through the jungle when all of a sudden he realized that a lion was behind him. He tried to run, but knowing that he could not outrun the lion, dropped down and started to pray.
Unexpectedly, everything became quiet and when he looked, the lion was praying also.
The priest said to the lion, I didnt know lions prayed.
The lion replied, You are praying. Im saying grace before I gobble you up!
The Clinton Health Plan has the:
1. Simplicity of the IRS.
2. Results of rent control.
3. Efficiency of the Post Office.
4. The fringe benefits of higher taxes
5. Management success of national debt.
6. Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture.
7. Dependency of a weather forecaster.
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
Q: How many Democratic presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: (Gary Hart) This oblique reference to screwing is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it.
DÃa domingo, en la tarde. Llega un cadete de la Escuela Militar a confesarse:
Me acuso, padre, de haberle acariciado las tetitas a una amiguita.
Pues bien, 2 padrenuestros de penitencia.
Llega un cadete de la Escuela de Aviación:
Me acuso, padre, de haberle mamado las tetitas a una amiguita.
Pues bien, 2 credos de penitencia.
Llega un cadete de la Escuela Naval a confesarse:
Me acuso, padre, de haberle mamado las tetitas y el chocho a una amiguita.
Pues bien, 2 credos y 2 avemarÃas de penitencia.
Llega un seminarista a confesarse:
Me acuso, padre, de haberle echado un polvo a una amiguita.
Y el cura sale del confesionario y grita: ¡Tres ras por el seminario, ras, ras ras!
The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, Sir, if you dont stop poking me with your thing, Im going to the cops!
I dont know what youre talking about miss – thats just my pay check in my pocket.
Oh really she spat. then you must have some job, because thats the fifth raise youve had in the last half hour.
A badger walks into a bar and says, Wheres the bar tender?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and were gonna get killed!
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?
Father Patrick replied, I am so very sorry to hear about your dogs death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, theres a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe theyll do something for the animal.
Muldoon said, Ill go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?
Father Patrick: $500? – Why didnt you tell me the dog was Catholic?!