Old and New Jokes

A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. Mom, she said, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.

The mother took a deep breath and began, When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…

I know how to fuck, mother, the bride-to-be interrupted. I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna!

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane. And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars. The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars. Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt. Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Beaver Falls, PA – Engineering student Mark Schaefer was roused by loud noises practically every night for two months. So he decided it ws only fair that others should know what he was going through.

And that earned him a one week suspension from college and left him owing 200 hours of community service.

Schaefer, a student at Geneva College, was tired of a faulty security system in his dormatory that caused a high-pitched alarm to sound nearly every time a student entered or left the building.

With the help of another student, Schaefer rigged his computer to ring the home phones of seven school administrators four times from 2 am to 5 am on December 6.

From the Daily Collegian

9. Thou shalt delete thine olden messages.

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.

He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. you passed, the Cardinal said.

He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. you passed.

He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.

The Cardinal said all of you passed. The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went ding, ding,ding.

When nuns are admitted to heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says Saint Peter, have you ever had any contact with a mans penis?

Well, said the first nun in line, I did see one once.

OK, says Saint Peter, rinse your eyes in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.

The next nun admits that, Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.

0K, says Saint Peter, rinse your hand in the Holy Water and pass on into heaven.

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut to the front of the queue.

Well now, whats going on here? says Saint Peter.

Well, Your Excellency, says the nun, who is trying to improve her position in line, if Im going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her arse in it.

Pepito quería con todas sus ganas un billete de 500 para comprarse una patineta. Así que decide escribirle a Dios para pedírselo. En la oficina de correos no saben que hacer con su carta, y se la envían al Presidente del país.

El Presidente lee la carta y se siente conmovido. Le pide a su secretario que le envíe un billete de 50 a Pepito, diciéndose que con la crisis mundial, el pequeño comprenderá que no le haya enviado los 500 que pedía.

Algunos días después Pepito recibe la carta con el billete de 50. De inmediato escribe una carta de agradecimiento a Dios: Querido Dios, muchas gracias por haberme enviado el dinero. Pero te quiero pedir que la próxima vez no lo dirijas a la oficina del Presidente, ya que, como acostumbran, esos bandidos se robaron 450 de lo que me enviaste…

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.



The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.



The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king!



She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.



She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.



Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her… Honey? he whispers.



She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.



Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers.



She rolls over and yells, Oh sure!…

Youre not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!