Old and New Jokes

A blonde lady was driving down the road injoying the sceenery and the breeze in her hair when she saw another blonde woman sitting in a row boat in the middle of a field of wheat, rowwing. Hitting hard on the brakes, she spun the car aound and drove back to the woman in the boat. Slamming her car door she stomps over to the edge of the wheat field and yelled It is stupid people like you that give blondes a bad name! And if I could swim, I would come out there and give you what for!

En un bus a la hora que va más lleno, la gente va como sardinas en lata y una chica le dice a un tipo:

Por favor, ¿se podría apartar un poco? Tiene usted algo duro dentro del pantalón que me está apretando el muslo.

Oh, perdón, es que llevo el sobre con mi paga… Y la chica le contesta:

Usted debe tener un trabajo muy bueno, porque le han aumentado el sueldo como tres veces desde la última parada.

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.

The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.

The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.

He responded by saying, Because I pack my own lunch.

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

Last night I made love to my wife three times boasted the Frenchman. She was in sheer ecstasy this morning…

Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?

Once. he replied.

Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you this morning?

Dont stop.

Tree 1 Hey look, Mother Natures coming!

Tree 2 Look busy.

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion… Your pecker is always harder when youre away from home.

Charismatics: Only one– their hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say
how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our
annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number
of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,fluorescent,
three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths
to luminescence.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three
committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a
casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
How do you know Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so.

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself.

Then let me buy you a drink, – if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life.

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman, and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that bloody Nun again is it?

Ian Dickinson

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note I spit in this beer hoping that noone will steal it then.

Upon return, he sees another note saying Me too!

You might be a redneck if….your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.