Old and New Jokes

A young man comes home and says Dad, just got my drivers license and would like to use the family car.

Father replies, :O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then well see.

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. Dad, I got great marks on my report card. Ive been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?

Father replies, Thats all true, but son you didnt cut your hair.

Son says, But, dad, Jesus had long hair.

Father replies, Yes, son, youre perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?

The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

You might be a redneck if…

Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new.

You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers.

You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne.

You put a Clapper on your headlights.

You need a dictionary to spell your name.

You dont change your socks until the first pair rots off.

People ask your wife when her babys due and shes not pregnant.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.

Youve ever invited friends over to show off whats left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.

You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.

The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

Duct tape and wire are the only two things holding your truck together.

Your bumper sticker reads If youre missing your cat, look in my treads.

You think the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.

Youve ever parked your date next to a YIELD sign hoping shed take the hint.

Your kids learned to shoot before they learned to walk.

You place a classified asking less than $1.

You think the freeway is the back door of the movie theater.

Higher math means counting over 10.

The lake has to be restocked after you take a bath.

You have a lucky rabbits foot in your pocket and a lucky rabbit nailed above your fireplace.

Estaban un filipino y un judío de los Estados Unidos viajando en el mismo asiento de un tren, en silencio. De pronto, el judío se levanta y le pega tremenda bofetada al filipino.

¿Qué pasa, estás loco?, reclama el filipino.

¡Esto es por Pearl Harbor!, contesta el judío.

¡Cálmate, os que atacaron Pearl Harbor fueron los japoneses, y yo soy filipino!”

Japonés, chino, filipino… ¡Para mí todos son iguales!

Al filipino no le quedó otra que aguantarse el golpe y volvió a acomodarse en su asiento. Cinco minutos después, se levantó y le plantó un tremendo puñetazo en la cara al judío.

¡¿Qué pasa? ¿Acaso estás loco?, protesta el judío.

¡Esto es por el hundimiento del Titanic!

¡Pero lo que hundió el Titanic fue un iceberg!

Iceberg, Goldenberg, Rosenberg… ¡Para mí todos son iguales!

There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, Ive been trying to beat you for so long that Im about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if youre game, Id like to try to get back all the money Ive lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?



The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf? he thought.



Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.



The guy turns to his friend and says Thats incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadnt seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, Ive seen enough. Ive got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and Ill write you a check.



After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, By the way, hows that gorillas putting?



The other guy replies, Same as his driving.



That good, huh?



No, I mean, he hits putts the same way – 450 yards, right down the middle!

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?

The square root of 5 is 2 for small values of 5.

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, Where do pets come from?

Adam said, Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I dont see you anymore. Im lonesome here and its difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

And God said, No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him Dog.

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adams guardian angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.

And the Lord said, No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.

And Adam was pleased.

And the Dog was pleased.

And the Cat didnt care one way or the other.