Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Water skier!
Water skier who?
Water skierd of, Im harmless!

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro:

Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, They accuse me of intervening in Angola… and a man going through the audience called out, Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro went on: They say I’m intervening in Mozambique… and the same loud voice shouted, Peanuts! Popcorn!

Castro continued: They say I’m intervening in Nicaragua… and the voice yelled again, Peanuts! Popcorn!

By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, Bring that man who is shouting Peanuts! Popcorn! to me, and I’ll kick him all the way to Miami.

And everybody in the audience started shouting, Peanuts! Popcorn!

This elderly Newfoundland fisherman is on his deathbed and summons his 3 sons to his bedside. "Well boys, the time is near, and when I pass Id like to be buried at sea." So the boys agreed. A few days after his passing, the local front page read, "Local Fishermen Were Shocked Today When Their Nets Brought in Patrick McRay in a Coffin, 3 Shovels and the Bodies of His Three Sons… Funeral arrangements havent yet been made, however, it is believed all wished to be buried at sea."

This is deadly serious, so dont ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….

(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…

(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…

(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….

(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….

(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….

(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….

(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…

(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….

(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesnt care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…

(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus

(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…

(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

How to Go Insane At School

1. Change majors at least twice.

2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.

3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.

4. Drink heavily.

5. Change .plan weekly.

6. Take both ME and EE classes.

7. Time manage sponteneity.

8. Set record time on academic probation.

9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or

10. Predict female behavior.

11. Perform mind meld on chimp or humanities student.

12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.

13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.

14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)

16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right…)

17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)

18. Do anything with a perfectionist.

19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..

20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties…

21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.

22. Procrastinate…

23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.

24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less…

25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less…

26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.

27. Listen to everyone elses advice.

28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.

29. Come up with a new .plan.

30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase lets just be friends…

31. Ask a Jehovahs Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?

32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (Youd swear the record was stuck…)

33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.

34. Try to calm down a type-A personality.

35. Think about the future… Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?

36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.

37. Believe Its better to burn out, rust never sleeps…

38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.

39. Anticipate what youll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)

40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.

41. Start seeing marriage as an option.

42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.

43. Dont burn your bridges…blow them to Hell.

44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.

45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.

46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. youve just started whats due today…)

47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)

48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.

49. Apologize for guessing wrong.

50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.

51. Try to find someone with the answers.

52. Explain something you dont understand. (great for presentations)

53. Look for lost time.

54. Live with a sociopath.

55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.

56. Stay awake in your most boring class.

57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.

58. Guess what your grades will be every week.

59. Figure out what youll need to get your grad index to a decent level.

60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.

61. Make fun of religion (realizing that youre damned)

62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either

A. doesnt interest you

B. you dont interest them

C. already has a love interest

D. is everyone elses love interest

E. all of the above.

63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.

64. Conform.

65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (…Ive SEEN that!!!)

66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.

67. Make a Time Management card, then TRY to stick to it. (Ill sleep next week.)

68. Find some goals. (Ill stop procrastinating next week.)

69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows…)

70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.

71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.

72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.

73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).

74. Have low self-esteem wars.

75. Make up nick-names for everyone.

76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)

77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasnt been done a million times.

78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.

79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.

80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore. (What am I going to do with you?; I dont know what to tell you.)

81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone whos in love.

82. Figure out how they could have made Batman better.

83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.

84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.

85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.

86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.

87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.

88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa

89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.

90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.

91. Keep track of the soap opera of changing relationships.

92. Ask yourself Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?

93. Keep making the same mistakes.

94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.

95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends. (see #87)

96. Try to be taken seriously.

97. Make a good second impression. (given that youve blown the first)

98. Listen to your mother list eligible women (her friends daughters) and try to keep your stomach from turning.

99. Correct your answers on old finals.

100. Mire in self-pity about your dismal future.

Q: Whats a brunettes mating call?

A1: Has that blonde gone yet?

A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

A3: All the blondes have gone home!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

En un antiguo reino medieval, un rey poseía un formidable caballo, todo un semental, pero había un problema: el corcel estaba triste y no había querido comer por más de dos semanas.

El monarca envía un decreto por todo el territorio ofreciendo la mano de su hija la princesa, a quien lograra hacer reír al animal. Llegaron comediantes, bufones y payasos de todo el reino pero ninguno lograba hacer reír al caballo. En eso, aparece en el palacio un enano que dice que puede hacer que el caballo se ría sin parar. Escéptico, el rey le da la oportunidad preguntándose qué puede hacer este enano si ya muchos lo han intentado sin éxito. El liliputiense se acerca al caballo y éste repentinamente comienza a reír a carcajadas. El soberano tiene que cumplir su propio decreto y entrega a su hija, la princesa, en matrimonio al enano. La recién casada pareja se va a vivir a otro palacio.

En esos días, el caballo continúa con sus carcajadas y no puede parar de reír. Pasan dos días, tres días, una semana, dos semanas y el caballo no para de reír, no come y no duerme. El rey decide emitir otro decreto prometiendo un cofre repleto de joyas a quien logre que el rocín vuelva a estar triste porque prefiere al caballo como estaba al principio. De todo el reino llegaron individuos despreciables, tristes, deprimentes y ninguno lograba tener éxito. En eso llega nuevamente el enano y se le acerca al caballo y lo deja más triste que al principio. Cuando el enano se dispone a recoger su premio, el monarca lo detiene y le pregunta:

¿Qué fue lo que hiciste cuando quería que el caballo se riera?

Fui y le dije que yo lo tengo mucho más grande que él.

¿Y cuando lo quería triste otra vez que hiciste?

Me lo saqué y se lo enseñé.

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?



1st Child: I came here for a blood test.



2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?



1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.



At this, the second one started crying profusely.



The first one was astonished.



1st Child: Why are you crying now?



2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by

the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw

a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

Thats unfair ! he cried. I have to roast for all eternity, and

that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman. Shut up!

barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. Who are you

to question that womans punishment?