Old and New Jokes

An Irishman was dying and his wife was at his bedside.

She says: Pat, youve been a wonderful husband all these years. Is there anything at all that I can do for you before you go.

Pat says: No Mary, nothing at all.

Mary says: Now Pat, isnt there a thing I can do for you.

Pat says: Mary, The priests been here, Ive been shriven. Theres nothing more to do.

Mary persists: Pat, tis forty and more years youve taken such good care of me and the kids. There has to be one more thing I can do for you before you die.

Pat says: Well Mary, is that one of your famous apple pies I smell baking in the oven?

She says: Yes it is, Pat.

He says: Well, if I could have one more piece of your famous apple pie before I go.

She says: The hell with you. Thats for the wake.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, be terrified, and howl in pain and anger! He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

How can you tell a blonde is under stress?

Shes got her tampax behind one ear and she cant find her pen!

OPTIMIST, n.

a doctor who advises a mother of five active youngsters to relax
a guy who thinks the woman in the phone booth will be out in a moment when he hears her saying good-bye
the guy who believes that the E on the cars gas gauge means enough
the person who is hired to write the text of a companys prospectus
an individual who always proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds (a pessimist fears this is true)
a citizen who votes for a congressman because he promised to lower taxes by eliminating government waste
a person who waits for his ship to come in even if he has never launched one
a person who realizes each morning that someday this will be one of the good old days
the woman who really believes that the man she is about to marry is better than the one she just divorced
a philosopher (with the news these days) who realizes that it takes a great deal of optimism to be a pessimist
a person who goes on a fishing trip with a camera and a frying pan
a ninety-year old newlywed who buys a home near a school
a guy who watches the eight, ten, and eleven oclock news hoping things will get better
a man who spends his last dollar on a new wallet

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates.

St. Peter told the first husband, I cant let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry.

Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, Cant let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.

The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, Come on, Fanny, hes not going to let us in either!

Un joven, que practicaba el nudismo, recibió una carta de su abuela en la cual le pedía que, por favor, le mandara una fotografía reciente de él. Como no tenía otra, excepto la que se tomó en el campo nudista, decidió enviarle esa, pero antes la partió por la mitad.

Después que hubo mandado la mitad de la fotografía por correo, se dio cuenta que había cometido un grave error: le envió a su abuela la mitad equivocada. Pero él mismo se consoló pensando que como la anciana tenía tan mala su vista, que tal vez ni cuenta se daría. Varios días después, el nieto recibió otra carta de su abuela:

Hijito, te agradezco mucho la foto que me mandaste. Quiero sugerirte que deberías cambiarte ese estilo de peinado, pues te hace ver muy cachetón y muy chato.

On their wedding night the new couple are just about to do the deed when the wife tells her new husband that she has a confession.

I lied when I told you I was a virgin. I have been with one other man she tells her new hubby.



The new husband asks if it was anyone he knows?.

The wife answers …well maybe!



Husband asks who it was.

The wife answers – it was Tiger Woods.



Since the only other person his new bride every slept with was the famous Tiger Woods, hes not at all upset and they get down to it and do the honeymoon thing. When finished, the husband gets out of bed and reaches for the telephone.



What are you doing? asked his bride.

Im calling for room service. After all that work Im hungry!



The wife says, Tiger wouldnt do that.

Really! Just what would TIGER do? says the husband.



Well we would do it again!



Ok says the husband and jumps into the bed.

This same thing happens two more times,after which the guy is pretty tired.



So he drags himself out of bed and gets to the telephone.

The wife says..youre not calling room service are you!!!!

NO, says the exhausted hubby!

Well who are you calling then, she asks.



Im calling Tiger Woods…

I want to see what par is for this hole!

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?

A: Chelsea.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. Im doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadnt radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, I dont know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!

Gilda Radner